Aide: “Mr. President, we have do something before –”
President with diarrhea: “Yeah.  Gay rights.  Sure.  Just give ‘em whatever they want!  I gotta go!” {runs out of the room}

I bet we downplay the important role diarrhea played in history.  Maybe Lincoln had some bad stomach rumbling at some point.  Just like –

Lincoln with diarrhea: “Yeah, uh…  Everybody gets rights!  Emancipation Proc…tologist.  Whatever!  I gotta go!” {runs out of the room}

(You have to think about it.)

And the condoms are mixed in with razors.  What’s the message there?  If you’re not getting laid, you should cut on yourself?  That’s not good.

In fact, the whole aisle seems to be sending a weird message.  On one side, it has condoms right next to diapers — which, you know, I get it — and then on the other side, it has Depends diapers.  And the only thing in the middle is trash bags.  Is that supposed to represent life?  From diapers to diapers and everything in-between is garbage?  Lighten up, Albertsons!

* * *

Here’s the issue, though: because the condoms are locked up, you have to push a “HELP ME” button to get assistance from an employee if you want to buy some.  It’s uncomfortable enough choosing the right checkout person when you’re buying condoms.  It’s like –

You: “Old lady?  She’ll be judgmental.” {then} “Hot girl?  That’s gonna be awkward.” {then} “Androgynous looking Asian?  Yeah, that seems like a winner.”

It’s much more uncomfortable having some stranger unlock a glass cover and ask which condoms fit you.  This is why I always end up buying two different sizes — regular and magnum — and end up using the bigger size as trash bags.

* * *

So the other day, I go to Albertsons to stock up again.  I’m single at this point with a dry spell of at least a year, but maybe buying condoms is like putting “get laid” on your vision board, you know?  Anyway, I push the “HELP ME” button, and over the intercom, I hear –

Intercom: “Lequisha to aisle 12?  Lequisha?”

Then I hear this audible –

Lequisha: {sigh}

I’m like, Seriously?  Did I just hear you sigh over the intercom?  Then get rid of the glass!  It’s uncomfortable for the employee and humiliating for me!

To make matters worse, I suddenly notice my German ex-girlfriend walking toward me with a new man on her arm.  That sour Kraut…

Now my first thought should be, I hope she felt more emotionally fulfilled with me.  My first thought is actually, Ah, I hope that guy’s got a smaller dick than I do.  My second thought is, Not a chance.

Because he’s black, and you know what they say: once you go black, you’re out of will.  Or something like that.  My family’s a little racist.

Anyway, just as my ex-girlfriend opens her mouth to say hello, Lequisha walks up on the other side of me.  In the most crass and shameless way possible, she asks –

Lequisha: “Which condoms you buying, cracka?”

Now I don’t let people embarrass me anymore, so I come back with –

Josh: “I don’t know, Lequisha.  Which ones do you recommend?”

The conversation continues –

Lequisha: {strangely confrontational} “I don’t know.  How big yo dick?”
Josh: “How big does it need to be?”
Lequisha: “Depends on who you tryin’ ‘a please.  I hope it’s some Asian bitch, ‘cause if it’s some sista, it’s gon’ be like throwing a penny in the Grand Canyon.”
Josh: {opens mouth to respond, then bursts into tears}

Then I just ran out of there — because my ex was still behind me, and I didn’t want to stay to watch Lequisha figure out that we used to date.  Be like –

Lequisha: “Damn, girl, that’s what I call an upgrade.  But you gotta work your way up more gradually, you know what I’m saying?  Maybe start with a baby carrot or a thumb or a Chinese guy.”

The first Josh Lehrman is the kind of Super Jew part of me thinks I should be.  He’s an accountant, has a lot of money, and doesn’t have a single photo without the word “schvitzing” in the description.  And he gets laid more than I do!  Well, let me rephrase that: he gets laid.  He’s always updating his status, like –

“Bitch polished my schvantz!”

And then his dad “likes it” for some reason.  And then my dad “likes it” (who I haven’t even seen in ten years).

And the kid’s two years younger than I am.  He’s got time to catch up to my lack of success.  He just makes me realize how flawed I am, you know?  All of my life, I’ve been excusing my problems based on my ethnicity, like –

Josh: “I’m not a neurotic, awkward loser — I’m just a Jew.”

Damnit, Josh Lehrman #1!

* * *

The second Josh Lehrman bothers me even more.  He’s this Texan who finds happiness in the simplest things, like –

“Just shot an armadillo from the back of my speeding pick-up.”

“The only black guy at the office got fired today.  [Smiley face.]”

“I pooped myself!”

Or something.  I might be making up one or all of those, but still — he’s so zen about everything.  It’s infuriating.  Like, in a rare moment of angst, he wrote –

“I hate Chihuahuas!”

And I was like, Yeah, got him!

– but then he became a fan of Chihuahuas.  What?!  Josh Lehrman #2, you are a paradox.  Just when you think you hate something, you discover that hate is just a different form of love.  So evolved.

I want to stereotype the dude because he’s Texan, you know?  Be like –

Josh: “Everything’s bigger in Texas — except your brain!  Ha ha ha…”

But he reads, man.  He’s smart.  Just the other day he wrote –

“To kill a mockingbird is amazing.”

Actually, I’m not sure he was talking about the book.

Donna: “I didn’t know you was in here.  I woulda knocked.”
Josh: “Seriously.  I could’ve been jacking it.”
Donna: “Lehrman, please.  If there’s one thing I ain’t afraid of, it’s dick.  I ain’t scared of no goddamn dick.”

It’s gonna be a good day.

* * *

1. INT. CAR – NIGHT

Two MEN (20s) sit in the car, watching their MALE FRIEND (20s) listen to a BIKER DUDE (40s, leather jacket) who points in different directions.

Man #1: “Well, at least that guy’s giving Kyle directions.”

EXT. CAR – CONTINUOUS

Biker dude: {to male friend} “I’m gonna kick your ass from here to there to over there…”

2. INT. OFFICE – DAY

A CEO (40s, suit) sits at his desk, looking through a file.  A VOICE comes through his phone’s speaker.

Voice (V.O.): {crackled} “Chhpackagechkshh…for you…cshhh.”
Boss: “Bring it in, Todd.”

TODD (20s) walks in.

Todd: {crackled like before} “Chhshhhkkk…here…chskkhhh.”

3. INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

A SPEAKER steps up to the podium, shuffling a few pieces of paper.

Speaker: “Now I’m warning you: I usually cry during these goodbye speeches.”

The audience LAUGHS warmly.  The speaker takes a deep breath and turns to FRANK, the recipient of the award.

Speaker: “Frank –”

The speaker bursts into tears.

4. EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Two EMTs help a BLEEDING MAN into an AMBULANCE.

EMT #1: “Sir, what’s your type?”
Bleeding man: “I don’t know.  Smart, funny, blonde…”

5. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

A MAN and a WOMAN share a bed.  The man tosses and turns.

Man: “Are you asleep?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Man: “Damnit.”

6. INT. CAR – NIGHT

Two scrawny dudes sit in the backseat.  In between them is a TOUGH GUY.  A tense beat.  Suddenly, the tough guy pulls out a gun and COCKS it.

Tough Guy: “Who the FUCK farted?!”

The others sink in their seats.

7. INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

Two COMEDIANS talk in the back.

Comedian #1: “The owner’s been trying a new technique to get bad comics off stage.”

ON STAGE

A SWEATY PERFORMER speaks into a mic.

Sweaty performer: “So, uh…  Anyone use the Internet?”

A MAG LIGHT flashes in the performer’s face, nearly blinding him.

Sweaty performer: {shielding his eyes} “Jesus Christ!”

8. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Two men (MAN 1 and MAN 2) urinate.  Man 1 sniffs the air.

Man 1: “Dude, your urine smells horrible.”
Man 2: {sincere} “Well, I guess that’s what greatness smells like.”

9. EXT. STREET – DAY

A skinny WOMAN in exercise clothing jogs to the edge of a sidewalk, running in place at a stoplight.  A FAT GUY stands next to her.

Fat guy: {offering her a piece} “Sandwich?”
Woman: “Uh, no thanks.”

They stand next to each other for a long beat.

10. INT. OFFICE – DAY

A BOSS walks up to his EMPLOYEE.

Boss: “Bust out the scotch –”

The employee immediately removes an ALCOHOLIC DRINK from his desk drawer.

Boss: “– tape.”

The employee slowly puts it back.

11. INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

A college party is going on.  A MALE STUDENT (early 20s) approaches a HOT GIRL (early 20s, drunk off her ass) in a mini-skirt.

Male student: {friendly} “Hey Courtney.”
Hot girl: “I’m not stupid, all right?  I’m not stupid!”

As she walks away, her mini-skirt is literally in her ass crack.

12. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Three TEENAGE BOYS sit at a table.

Boy #1: “Dude, your girlfriend is hot.”
Boy #2: “Yeah, she gave me a little of this on the beach.”

He puts his hand on Boy #3’s head.

Boy #3: “Forehead?”

13. EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

A CRASH TEST DUMMY is seated in the front seat of a parked car.  A PRANKSTER and his VAIN FRIEND (both late teens) look on.

Prankster: {throwing his deep, frightening voice} “I’m watching you, Avery.”

The vain friend turns around and begins fixing his hair.

Vain friend: “Really?  Who said that?”

14. INT. KFC – DAY

An OBESE WOMAN orders from a KFC EMPLOYEE.

Obese woman: “Let me get the 24-piece bucket of chicken.”
Worker: “For here or to go?”
Obese Woman: “Bu’scuse me, motherfucker?  You think I’m gon’ eat this whole bucket of chicken by myself?”
Worker: {long pause, then} “Yes?”

15. INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE OF AN ELEVATOR

A BUSINESSMAN pushes the “DOWN” button.  He waits for a beat, then elevator doors open.  A WOMAN is inside giving a MAN a blowjob.  The businessman’s jaw drops open.

Elevator: (V.O.) “Going down.”

16. INT. CAR – NIGHT

A DRAMATIC SONG plays on the car radio.  TEENAGE BOY #1 drives.  TEENAGE BOY #2 is the passenger.

Teenage boy #1: “That girl you like’s going to have left the party by now.”
Teenage boy #2: {overly dramatic} “Don’t stop the car until we get there!  Just keep going and never stop — except at this stop sign.”

Teenage boy #1 stops the car.

Teenage boy #2: “Ok, now go again…and never stop!”

17. INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY

The CRUISE SHIP sways back and forth.  Several PASSENGERS look nauseous.  A TV shows a promo for the cruise that everyone is on –

TV VOICE: (V.O.) “Thanks for boarding Cruise in the Sun, where it’s fun from day one.”

As three passengers watch the video, an individual off screen THROWS UP.

18. INT. BEDROOM – DAY

A MAN wakes up.  He stretches, gets out of bed with a heavy sigh, then walks over to his desk.  He picks up a piece of paper that reads, “TO DO LIST” and puts a check mark next to “WAKE UP.”

19. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

A STUDENT sneezes.  The FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT looks over.

Foreign exchange student: “Congratulations.”

20. INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

The CLUB OWNER runs up to several comics.  Among them, LENNY (early 20s, nervous but eager).

Club owner: “Our headliner just dropped out.  We need someone to go on in his place.”

All of the comics look at one another.

Lenny: “You know what?” {standing up heroically} “I’ll do it!”
Club owner: “I don’t want you, Lenny.  You’re not funny.”
Lenny: “Oh.  Okay.”

Lenny sits back down.

My grandparents have been married for so long (or they’ve finally reached an old enough age) that they argue about meaningless parts of the story.  It kills me.  I asked my grandfather where he bought his blazer, for example.  The conversation was like –

Grandfather: “Well, two years ago, I was in Texas –”
Grandmother: “It was Louisiana.”
Grandfather: “No, it was Texas.  I remember because we had just visited Bill.”
Grandmother: “Bill lives in Detroit.”
Grandfather: “No, he lives in Texas.  Anyway, the details don’t matter, Linda.  It was two years ago –”
Grandmother: “Three years ago…  And my name’s Pat.”

I’m like –

Josh: “YOU’RE DYING!  Is any of this relevant to the story?  Just…  ‘Texas.  A while ago.’  I don’t even care anymore.  The blazer’s stupid anyway.”

2. My mother’s penchant for gossiping

My mother is the biggest gossip.  I’m fine with friendliness, but she gives out way too much information.  Like I remember being at the supermarket as a teenager, and the checkout lady had to scan the a large pack of toilet paper.  As if it needed to be called attention to, my mom said –

Mom: “My son has irritable bowel.”

I was like –

Josh: “Mom, that is so wrong.”

She was like –

Mom: “You’re right.” {to the checker} “It’s mostly a result of his nerves.”

You know what that checker was thinking when she scanned the toilet paper?  Nothing!  She was probably too preoccupied thinking about the screenplay she was writing about the transvestite aliens who want to win the prog-rock competition.

3. My sister’s occasionally explosive temperament

My sister was a temperamental kid.  She would never let me play with her toys.  She’d scream –

Emily: “Mom, he’s gonna break it!”

I was like –

Josh: “I’m not going to break it!  I just want to push Mr. Toad on the swing set.  I’m not even going to give him a very wild ride.”
Emily: {eyes narrowing, evil} “If you break it, I’ll kill you.”

She said that.  At seven years old!

My sister is 30 now.  She came home over a holiday break and wanted to show me pictures she had of us from the age when she was that temperamental.  I went to grab her computer to look, and she immediately snapped –

Emily: “Don’t break the computer!”

Some things never go away…

4. My grandmother’s belief about old age.

Being old is not an excuse for being an asshole.  You can’t just reach a certain age and adopt the “fuck everybody” attitude.  You’re supposed to get better at the end.  And scared and religious.  But my grandmother seems to believe that once you’ve over 80, you can stir up shit because you’re bored.

She cuts people off in line at the grocery store, she tells Republicans that they’re assholes, and she uses the word “jism” in public — loudly.

Actually, the last one doesn’t qualify as asshole behavior; it’s just embarrassing.

5. My family’s “even though” Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of the times during the year when I’m reminded that my family has prevented me from being a positive person.  We’ll go around the table one by one and say what we’re thankful for like –

Mom: “I’m thankful to have a boyfriend who has been a real support to me this year…even though he put on fifteen pounds from drinking since August.”
Emily: “I’m thankful that I’m growing in my career and getting closer and closer to achieving my dreams…even though no one is helping me in the slightest.”
Josh: “I’m thankful for you guys…even though you’ve all made me look for the negative in everything and probably fucked me up for life.”

I remember rolling down that hill, thinking, I hope this isn’t a metaphor for the rest of my life.

– They tell you that money is the root of all evil.  They also tell you that more school will help you obtain more money.  Doesn’t that make school the root of all evil?

My friend pointed out that that doesn’t actually make sense, and I might have known that if I had taken a logic class — in school.

– In middle school, I got in a pretty heated fight with this bully.  He called me “bologna” — but he meant it.

– School doesn’t prepare you for real life.  There’s no class on racial sensitivity, there’s no seminar on apartment hunting, and there certainly ain’t no required reading on the subject of the female intellect — just home ec.

I may not be able to navigate the politics of my workplace, but I can cook one hell of a bunt cake.

– Ah, college: a time of changing, a time of discovering who you are, and a time of developing…an alcohol addiction.

– I took a theater class in college in which the professor asked us to do something publicly that we normally do privately.  So one girl pissed onstage.  Everyone just stared at her, like –

Everyone: “Wow.” {beat} “What an artist.”

Even the professor applauded, proclaiming –

Professor: “Now you’re ready to perform Shakespeare.”

– I remember the feeling I got when I graduated college, knowing that all of that hard work and anxiety and misery was finally over.  It was time to enter the real world…  And I didn’t want to leave my dorm room.

– A few weeks after graduating, I did a google search for jobs requiring the skill set with which my school had provided me: “delusional egoist with nothing to offer.”  I got a job in marketing.

– Here’s a big problem with school: when you have to learn something, generally you don’t want to — especially if you know you’ll be tested on it later.  That’s why, if we want them to avoid certain jobs as adults, we need to test kids on these subjects at a young age, like –

Teacher: “Okay, kids, it’s time for a pop quiz on how to be a stripper.”
Class: {whining in unison} “Ooooooh.”

One kid’s like –

Kid: “Man, when I grow up, I want to do something interesting — like be an accountant.”

– High school reunions are depressing — because all these nerds graduate high school like –

Nerds: “One day, the jocks’ll be unemployed, and we’ll be on top!”

Then they show up to the reunion and see that the jocks are still thriving.  They’re like –

Nerds: “Oh, right.  They have social skills.”

What do you major in at the University of Phoenix?  Meth Making?  Or “Criminal Justice,” but it’s still just making meth?

Poor University of Phoenix.  Even students at ITT Tech must be saying –

ITT Tech student: “‘Are You Smarter than an Eighth Grader?’  More like ‘Are You Smarter than a University of Phoenix Student,’ am I right?”

2. I can’t seem to bond with people unless they’re having an emotional breakdown.

I talk to one co-worker, he’s like –

Co-worker #1: “The sun’s really coming out again, huh?”

I talk to another co-worker, he’s like –

Co-worker #2: “I can’t get hard anymore and I don’t think I know how to love!”

That’s the only guy I get along with at my current job.  He comes in the office in the morning.  It’s like –

Josh: “Hey Tom, how you?”
Co-worker #2: “Coked out of my mind, bro!”

3. It’s difficult to improve when you’re in the arts because you rarely get any concrete, helpful advice.

It’s always –

Mentor: “What you need to do to make this better…is embrace the audience with your soul.”
Student: “Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…  Why didn’t you tell me that four and a half years ago?  This whole time my motto’s been, ‘Grab the audience by the nuts and twist.’”

4. I am not a strong person.

Remember when members of that band Pussy Riot went to jail for the lyrics they sang?  One of the band members said –

Pussy Riot: “Even though we’re behind bars, we’re more free than anyone.”

I was like –

Josh: “Yeah, but you’re still in prison.  In Russia.”

I could not handle that.  Or anything like that.  I’m such a pussy.  My friend just told me about this segment he saw on TV about a woman who had her arms and legs cut off — and she was okay with it apparently.  She was like –

Woman: “I’m just happy to be alive.”

I’m thinking, Really, Stumpy?  If a doctor came in, like –

Doctor: “Josh, we’re going to have to cut off your smallest toe…”

– I’d be like –

Josh: “KILL ME!  END IT!  IT’S OVER!”

5. People at Starbucks are rarely writing reasonable looking screenplays.

In L.A., everyone’s writing a screenplay at Starbucks.  And my favorite thing is the guy whose screen has the scene heading “INT. SPACESHIP.”

You really think you’re gonna get that one off the ground?  You, sir, are the most delusional person in Starbucks.

6. When you’re a teenager, anything embarrassing that happens to you feels like it’s your fault.

A bird shit on my head during lunch one day at middle school, and everyone laughed.  If I were older, I would’ve been able to laugh it off — but at 14, I felt like I caused it by being uncool.  Even the goddamn birds knew what a loser I was…

7. My goals in life have changed.

I no longer want to be a famous person or a great thinker or even the perfect husband.  I just don’t want to fuck up the world any worse than it already it.

8. No matter how liberal and accepting you think you are, there’s always something to bring out your racism.

I went to see a new dentist the other day.  I walked in to find that the only people who worked there were Hispanic.  My first thought was, Uh oh…

Then, as I was waiting for the hygienist, I heard a beeping sound in the other room.  My first thought was, What, do you need to nuke a taquito in the microwave before you come clean my teeth?

9. Vasectomies don’t make sense in your twenties.

I’m so afraid of accidentally getting someone pregnant, I considered getting a vasectomy now.  But I still wouldn’t be able to have sex without a condom.  Mid-20’s guy telling a girl he had a vasectomy?  Who’s gonna believe that?

Girl: “That’s what the last fifteen guys said.”
Josh: “No, but I REALLY had the operation.” {then} “Wait, fifteen?!”

Girl: “If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that…I’d have seven dollars.”
Josh: “What?!”

10. I don’t like saying someone beat cancer because it gives the cancer survivor too much credit.

All he did was lie down, breathe, and eat.  That’s why we say “cancer survivor” — not “cancer murderer.”  Of course, what does that say about people who don’t beat cancer?  They couldn’t sleep, breathe, and eat as well as the other guy?

That’s horrible, but I’m sharing it anyway to point out where I am right now as a comic.  I’ve attacked so many other groups, I’ve made my way down to cancer survivors.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Announcer: “Tonight’s episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’ was filmed in a sketchy comedy club slash Home Town Buffet in front of a live stereotypical black audience.”

Jon Cryer walks on like –

Jon: “Finger sandwiches?  I don’t want to eat a sandwich made with fingers.”
Stereotypical black guy: {yelling O.S.} “Man, that shit ain’t funny!  My mama’s funnier than you — and that bitch is mute!”
Jon: {beat, then} “Anyway…  You hear about that dog policeman?  Really ruffed up that criminal.”
Stereotypical black guy: {yelling O.S.} “Kill yourself, motherfucker!”
Jon: “All right.  Well that’s the program.  You guys have been great and, uh –”  {grabbing his chest} “Oh God!  I’ve been shot!”

By the way, that bit is not racist.  I checked with the black guy in my stand-up writing group.  He was like –

Writing group guy: “No, man, it’s cool.  Also, I am Indian.”

Besides, I tried hitting my own ethnicity, but a live stereotypical Jewish audience isn’t as funny.  It’s like –

Stereotypical Jewish guy: “Oh, these jokes are terrible…that I wrote…and financed.”

* * *

One other thought: the laugh track is supposed to comfort audiences by making them feel like they have an audience of friends laughing with them.  So why hasn’t anyone made the “cry track?”  You just watch some dramatic movie like –

Rose in Titanic: “I’ll never let go, Jack.”

Then in the background you hear –

Audience: {sobbing}

[Music.]

If you’re deaf, isn’t that like the movie going –

[Ha ha…  You can’t hear!]

Especially when it says, “Beautiful music…” or “Hawaiian music…”

I guarantee deaf people aren’t watching the movie going –

Deaf person: “Yes, it’s music, but is it in a baroque style?”

If it were my job to write that text, I’d remind deaf people of things they’re lucky not to hear, like –

[Crying babies.]

[Horrible Michael Bay dialogue.]

[This half-assed stand-up bit.]