Category Archives: Scenes From My Life

I’m in my office at work.  The sassy black receptionist (DONNA) just opened the door…

Donna: “I didn’t know you was in here.  I woulda knocked.”
Josh: “Seriously.  I could’ve been jacking it.”
Donna: “Lehrman, please.  If there’s one thing I ain’t afraid of, it’s dick.  I ain’t scared of no goddamn dick.”

It’s gonna be a good day.

When I was younger, my mom took classes to become certified in some kind of meditative spiritual practice. It’s one of those things that I put down but nevertheless asked my mom to try on me just in case it helped. Our session went something like this –

INT. HOME – LIVING ROOM – DAY

JOSH (11) lies on a couch. His mother, SUSAN (41), stands over him.

Susan: “Take a deep breath in.”

Josh does.

Susan: “Now exhale and relax.”

Josh exhales a shaky, anxious stream of air.

Susan: “Okay. Close your eyes and imagine a garden. What do you see?”
Josh: “Weeds.”
Susan: “What about all of the flowers around the weeds? Do you see those?”
Josh: “No. Maybe they’ve been ravaged by the weeds.”
Susan: “Okay, then ignore the ground and look up at the clouds.”
Josh: “Is it supposed to be raining?”
Susan: {deep breath to calm herself, then} “Take your anxiety, place it on the cloud, and watch it fly into the sky.”
Josh: “What does that mean?”
Susan: “Turn your anxiety into a solid shape…”
Josh: “Uh-huh.”
Susan: “…place it on the cloud…”
Josh: “The cloud’s up in the sky.”
Susan: “Well bring it down with your mind.”
Josh: “I can’t control clouds with my mind.”
Susan: “You can bring it down, Josh. Just imagine –”
Josh: “Okay. Yeah, I got it.”
Susan: “Place the anxiety on the cloud and let the cloud take it away into the sky.”
Josh: “It fell through.”
Susan: “What fell through?”
Josh: “My ball of anxiety.”
Susan: “What form did your anxiety take?”
Josh: “Wrecking ball.”
Susan: “Josh, c’mon.”
Josh: “And now Hitler showed up.”
Susan: “What?”
Josh: “I don’t know. He just – he’s here and he looks very angry.”
Susan: “Josh, just try it again. Place your anxiety on the cloud –”
Josh: “He’s at the controls! Hitler has control of the wrecking ball!”
Susan: {walking away} “I give up.”

INT. BOOKSTORE – DAY

JOSH (26, neurotic) walks up to an EMPLOYEE (20s, female).

Josh: “Excuse me, I’m looking for a book on anger management.”
Employee: “Good for you, sir.  The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.”
Josh: {laughing} “Oh, no.  It’s for my friend.”
Employee: {“zipping” her lips, winking} “It’s okay.  I won’t tell anyone.”
Josh: “I — thank you, but it really is for my friend.”
Employee: “Really?”
Josh: “Really.”
Employee: “Really?”
Josh: {getting irritated} “Really.”
Employee: “And what’s this friend’s name?”
Josh: “Aaron.”
Employee: “Is your name Aaron?”
Josh: “No.  Listen, I’m not buying this book for myself.  I’ll admit to having other issues, but anger isn’t one of them.”
Employee: “What are your other ‘issues?’”
Josh: “Well that’s not…  I mean, I already have books for them, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Employee: “I’m asking what your other ‘issues’ are.”
Josh: {sighs, then} “Depression, anxiety –”
Employee: “Avoidance?”
Josh: “Avoidance?  No, I –”

Josh stares at the employee.  The employee looks back at Josh, raising her eyebrows.

Josh: “Look, I’m in a real rush right now and I just need to know where the anger book is.”
Employee: “I bet you do.”
Josh: “No.  I’m not — I’m just trying to complete my errands before –”
Employee: “– before you lose your cool?”
Josh: “No, but if you could please help me find the book instead of –”
Employee: “– instead of watching you get angry?”
Josh: “No.  This isn’t — is there anyone else working here who could –?”
Employee: {singing} “Temperature’s rising…”
Josh: “GODDAMNIT, JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE BOOK IS AND I’LL LEAVE!”

A long beat.

Josh: {sotto} “Yes, the book is for me.”

I saw this girl outside of Trader Joe’s with a shirt that read –

“NEARLY ONE BILLION PEOPLE
DON’T HAVE CLEAN WATER RIGHT NOW”

This was our conversation –

Josh: “All right, so what do I do?”
Liberal girl: “I’m sorry?”
Josh: “Your shirt.  What do I do for the people who don’t have clean water?”
Liberal: “Oh, yeah, you can buy a shirt.  It donates a dollar to the cause.”
{Josh examines the shirt’s label.}
Josh: “Wait.  It says the shirts are made in Kenya.”
Liberal girl: “Mm-hm.”
Josh: “So I’m guessing they’re made by people who don’t have the clean water in the first place, right?  I mean, with supply and demand, aren’t you hurting the workers in a pretty ironic way?”
Liberal girl: “So you don’t want a shirt?”
Josh: “No, I want solutions.  Should I donate water, volunteer…?  At least there must be someone to whom I can text the word ‘THIRST.’”
Liberal girl: “Well you could start by feeling the smallest bit guilty.”
Josh: “I’m a white, Jewish liberal male.  I’m already familiar with the concept of guilt.”
Liberal girl: “Look, I don’t see you out here raising awareness.”
Josh: “What do you mean?”
Liberal girl: “We’re trying to let people know that nearly one billion people don’t have –”
Josh: “Yeah, no, I got that.  But I don’t think you should be patting yourselves on the back if all you’re doing is going –” {pointing} “Look!  Thirsty people!” {pretending to walk away} “All right.  Let’s go get lattes.”
Liberal girl: “We are letting people know that they should create a system where our country can consistently provide aid to the less fortunate.”
Josh: “That sounds like a horrible idea.”
Liberal girl: “Why?  Because we should create it ourselves or because you’d rather all these people die?”
Josh: “Neither.  You just can’t help people by constantly providing it.  You need to make them self-sufficient.”
Liberal girl: “You know what?” {deep breath, taking this all in, then} “Fuck you.”
Josh: {sigh} “Great.  Very productive talk.”

I went to Kaiser Permanente the other day to pick up some dick pills — ‘cause I’m on anti-depressants and can’t get hard anymore.  (Seems like a pretty bad side effect for a pill that’s supposed to make you less depressed, but anyway…)

The following scene is a slightly exaggerated version of what happened that day.

* * *

INT. KAISER PERMANENTE PHARMACY – DAY

JOSH LEHRMAN (mid-20s, anxious) sits in the waiting area, his leg BOUNCING up and down with anxiety.  He looks through the CLEAR GLASS WINDOWS to see –

A HOMELESS MAN and a SMALL DOG sitting on a run-down street corner.  The homeless man drinks from a brown paper bag.

Josh shakes his head.

Pharmacist: (O.S.) {through the intercom, mispronouncing} “Josh Leeman?”

Josh walks to the PHARMACIST, who examines the paperwork.

Pharmacist: “Um, this is for the –” {whispering} “– Levitra?”
Josh: “What?”
Pharmacist {whispering} “Levitra?”
Josh: “Yeah, the dick pills.  Why are you whispering?”
Pharmacist: “$28.47.”
Josh: “Would you mind telling me how it works?”
Pharmacist: “The instructions are inside.”
Josh: “Yeah, but you guys usually explain it.  Can I just get a quick run-down?”
Pharmacist: “Will you be paying with cash or credit?”
Josh: “Are you seriously not gonna explain it?  These instructions are endless.”
Pharmacist: {sotto} “I’m sorry.  You’re not…embarrassed?”
Josh: “What, is it your job to judge me now?  Is this a new feature on my already shitty health care plan?”
Pharmacist: “I just didn’t want to –”
Josh: “I’m not ashamed of having to take dick pills.  I’m ashamed of the size of my dick, but we’re not talking about that.”
Pharmacist: “I’d just prefer if you read it on your own.”
Josh: “And I’d prefer if you put your complex aside and did your job.”
Pharmacist: “Mr. Leeman, I’m gonna have to ask you to lower your voice.  You’re making a scene.”
Josh: “You’re gonna –?!  Okay.  That’s — okay.”

Josh grabs the microphone the pharmacist uses to call names and speaks into it.

Josh: “Can I get everyone’s attention for a minute?”

Several PATIENTS look up.

Josh: “Hi, I’m buying Levitra right now.  It’s a pill that makes my dick hard.  See, I take anti-depressants which affect my ability to maintain erections –”
Pharmacist: “Sir –”
Josh: “– and now I need other pills to remedy that.”
Pharmacist: “There’s no need to act like this.”
Josh: “The pharmacist here thinks that’s embarrassing, so we should all –” {whispering} “– we should all whisper and not say what’s really going on.” {normal voice} “Well fuck that.  My name is Josh Lehrman, and I can’t maintain an erection.  What about you?”

Josh holds the mic up to an OLD MAN.

Old Man: “I can maintain an erection either.”
Josh: “No.  I mean, what’re you here for?”
Old Man: “Pain medication.”
Josh: “Pain medication.  And you, young man?”

A TEENAGER says –

Teenager: “Acne meds.”
Josh: “Acne meds.  And what about you?”

A middle-aged WOMAN says –

Woman: {enthusiastic} “Anal fissures!”
Josh: “Anal fissures!  That’s…disgusting, but –” {to the pharmacist} “There you go.  Pain meds, acne meds, and whatever this woman takes to heal her unfortunate situation.  Welcome to the real Goddamn world, Mr. Pharmacist, where people have problems; so, just do your job and instruct us on how to fix ourselves!”

Josh holds out the mic, drops it like a rap star, and exits.

EXT. PHARMACY – MOMENTS LATER

Josh passes the homeless man and his dog.  Josh leans down to pet the dog.  It wags its tail.  Then Josh grabs the brown paper bag from the man and SMASHES it onto the ground.

Homeless Man: “Hey!”

Josh removes a $100 bill from his pocket.

Josh: “This is for the dog, you hear me?  If I come by one more time and I see you drinking instead of feeding him, I will take him away.  Understood?”

The homeless man nods.  Josh hands him the bill.  As he walks away, Josh mumbles to no one in particular –

Josh: “Goddamnit, I’m a good person.”

INT. BAND ROOM – DAY

A TUBA PLAYER (15) stands around a group of high school band members, holding his instrument.

Tuba Player: “Hey guys, you wanna see me turn purple?”
Everyone: “No.”

The Tuba Player holds up the tuba and blows into it.

Everyone: “What are you doing?” / “We said no.” / “Dude!”

The Tuba Player keeps blowing until he turns purple and passes out.

Seconds later, the BAND INSTRUCTOR (40s) runs out of his office.  He takes a look at the scene.

Band Instructor: “Oh my god!  Did he dent the tuba?” {OFF everyone’s looks} “What?  It’s a school rental.”

INT. HOME – NIGHT

JOSH (7, uncharacteristically happy) adds ornaments to his family’s Hanukkah bush/Christmas tree.  SUSAN (37, motherly) enters to find her son humming.

Josh: “Hey Mom, you think Santa’s gonna bring me everything I asked for this year?”
Susan: “What did you ask for?”
Josh: “A Sega Genesis, more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the hardback version of The Brothers Karamazov…”
Susan: “Josh, I think you’re old enough now that I can tell you this.”
Josh: “Yeah?”
Susan: “Well…” {deep breath} “There is no Santa Claus.”
Josh: “W-what?”
Susan: “It’s just your father and I — well, mostly me.”
Josh: “You’re Santa Claus?”

She nods.

Josh: “Oh my God.” {thrilled} “My parents are Santa Claus!!”
Susan: “No.  Not like that.  I mean, your father and I buy the presents and put them under the Hanukkah bush at night.  Santa’s just a made up character.”

Josh stops putting up decorations, beyond shocked.

Josh: “I think I need to sit down.”

He moves to a couch.  Susan sits beside him.

Susan: “Are you okay?”
Josh: “Why would you do that to me?”
Susan: “Because it’s fun.”
Josh: “It’s fun to lie to your children?”
Susan: “No, it’s — you know, the idea of Santa Claus is fun.  And I just…didn’t want you to miss out on that.”
Josh: “But why would you tell me something magical exists if it doesn’t?”
Susan: “I don’t know, Josh.  It’s what parents do.”

A beat.

Josh: “So there’s no God either?”
Susan: “There might be.”
Josh: “It’s okay, Mom.  You can tell me.  I’m old enough now.”
Susan: “No, there really might be a God.  No one knows.”
Josh: “If there’s no Santa, there’s clearly no God.”
Susan: “Why do you say that?”
Josh: “He’s the same guy: keeps track of whether I’m naughty or nice, I ask him to grant wishes, they both have little helpers…”
Susan: “Well…”
Josh: “They both live in a place nobody’s ever seen.”
Susan: “Really — nobody knows if there’s a God.”
Josh: “Then how do you know there’s no Santa?”
Susan: “Because people just made him up to make kids feel better.”
Josh: “Like God.”

Susan hesitates, lost for words.

Josh: “So you’re Santa Claus?”
Susan: “Yeah.”
Josh: “Okay.”
Susan: “Are you okay?”
Josh: “I guess so.”

Susan hugs Josh.  Josh hugs her back, wiping tears from his eyes.

Susan: “I’m going to go food shopping.  You want to come?”
Josh: “No thanks.”
Susan: “You’ll be all right here by yourself?”
Josh: “I think so.”
Susan: “Okay.”

Susan stands up and exits the room.  After a moment, Josh moves back to the Hanukkah bush/Christmas tree.  He stares at it, then resumes adding ornaments.

INT. KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM – DAY

JOSH (six years old, awkward) dunks his hand in a can of paint, then slams a handprint onto the center of the blank canvas in front of him.

Josh: “Done.” {to an off-screen person} “Can I go to the first grade now?”

Josh’s TEACHER (30s, stereotypical teacher) focuses on the painting next to Josh’s, a symmetrical, highly complicated work.  A HAUGHTY KID (also six years old) stands beside it.

Josh: “The heck is that?”
Haughty kid: “Cubism.”

Frustrated, Josh smacks himself on the forehead — getting wet paint all over his face.

Teacher: {to Josh} “Good one, Einstein.”

INT. UNIDENTIFIED ROOM – DAY

JOSH LEHRMAN (18, scrawny) sits in an uncomfortable-looking chair with his head in his hands.  His leg bounces up and down.

SUSAN LEHRMAN (late 40s, warm) sits beside him.  She looks over from her newspaper, putting her hand on Josh’s leg to stop the motion.

Next to Susan, a WOMAN (60s) peers past a window.

Woman: “Oh God.  I hope she did it.  I hear it’s devastating if you don’t.”
Josh: “It is.”

A GIRL (16) runs in squealing.  She hugs the older woman.

Woman: “Oh, I am so proud of you!”

Josh looks over, and whispers a little too loudly –

Josh: “Whore.”

Susan stifles a laugh.

Susan: “Just remember: if you see the red –”
Josh: “Mom: I know, okay?”

Josh’s leg bounces, double time.

Susan: “I love you no matter what.”
Josh: “I fuckin’ hope so.”

Josh starts to tear up.  Susan wipes under his eye.

Susan: “Save it for the ride home.”

DARNELL (mid-30s, black, intimidating in size) appears before them.  Susan looks at him, then at Josh, who cannot seem to meet the man’s glance.

Darnell: “Hello again, Joshua.”

EXT. PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Josh and Darnell exit the building in silence.  As they approach Josh’s teal Honda civic, REVEAL the building’s sign –

“DMV”

Josh unlocks his car, but gets in the passenger side.  Darnell sighs and opens the door.

Darnell: “Josh.”
Josh: “How ‘bout you drive today?  We can just catch up.  C’mon over to the other side; I’ll give you the keys.”

Darnell stands there, waiting.  Then he pulls out Josh.

Josh: “Damnit, Darnell.”

Josh gets in the driver’s side.  He goes through the checklist –

Josh: “Brake lights…”

He steps on the brakes…

Josh: “Front lights…”

He turns them on…

Josh: “Horn…”

He honks it…

Josh: {making the hand/arm signals} “Left, right, fuck you.  Let’s go.”

Darnell gets in the passenger’s side.  Josh looks at him.

Josh: “I can’t do this.”
Darnell: “Nonsense.  Sixth time’s a charm.”
Josh: “Cut me some slack today, okay?  I’m having a lot of problems in my personal life.”
Darnell: {doesn’t care} “Mm.”
Josh: “My girlfriend broke up with me, I lost my favorite sweater, and I think I have cancer.”
Darnell: “You don’t have cancer.”
Josh: “I don’t know.  I’ve been having a lot of things that are, uh, symptomatic of cancer.”
Darnell: “Such as?”
Josh: “Cancer spots.” {OFF Darnell’s blasé look} “On my chest…primarily.”
Darnell: “Let’s go.”
Josh: “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk?  I have a lot of issues I think we need to work through before –”

Darnell reaches over and turns the key.  The car starts and “Everyone Makes Mistakes” (from “Sesame Street”) plays.

Darnell raises his eyebrows to Josh, and ejects the CD.

Darnell: “No music.”

Josh takes a deep breath.  He closes his eyes.

Darnell: “Are you praying?”
Josh: “No.  Just trying to prolong the –”
Darnell: {sternly} “Josh.”
Josh: “Okay.”
Darnell: “So if you would first –”

Josh puts the car in reverse…

Josh: “I know, man.”

…and backs out of the spot.

EXT. CAR – CONTINUOUS

The car moves out of the DMV parking lot.

Josh (V.O.): “I didn’t really lose that sweater, by the way.  Sorry for –”
Darnell (V.O.): “Focus on the road.”

INT. DMV – SAME

Susan sits, highlighting a book titled How to Deal With Your Child’s Never-Ending Failure.

INT. JOSH’S CAR – LATER

Josh narrates his actions.

Josh: “Looking in rear-view mirror, quickly glancing over my shoulder to avoid blind spots, and safely moving into the adjacent lane.” {then} “See that?  That was a master class.”

Darnell writes something down.  Josh peers over.  As Darnell looks up, Josh snaps his head back toward the road.

Josh: “Look at this guy.  His bumper sticker says ‘Orgasm Donor.’  Whaddya bet he’s ugly?”
Darnell: “Josh, how fast do you go in a residential area?”
Josh: “Twenty-five.”
Darnell: “Then why are you going 35?”
Josh: {sigh} “Because I’m an idiot.”

Josh slows down.

Josh: “You know, this is really traumatizing.  Even if I do pass, I’m still gonna feel petrified every time I get into a vehicle.”

Darnell writes down something else.

Darnell: “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Josh: “I guarantee whoever said that didn’t fail this test.”

INT. DMV – SAME

Susan finishes writing in a Hallmark card that says, “CONGRATULATIONS.”  She puts it in the envelope, then picks up another that reads, “MAYBE NEXT TIME…”

INT./EXT. JOSH’S CAR – LATER

Darnell remains stone-faced.

Josh: “I spy with my little eye something that begins with ‘f.’”
Darnell: “Face forward.”
Josh: “‘Fence’ was the correct answer, but it woulda been double points.  Your turn.” {OFF Darnell’s silence} “I’ll start you off: I spy with my little eye –”
Darnell: “Pedestrians!”
Josh: “No, you say the letter, not the –” {sees them} “– shit!”

Josh slams on the breaks.  Darnell takes more notes.

Josh pulls over to the side of the road.  Puts it in park.

Darnell: “What’re you doing?”
Josh: “Darnell: be honest.  Did I fail again?”
Darnell: “California law states that I am not allowed to divulge –”
Josh: {brazenly} “Did I or not?”
Darnell: {as gently as possible} “You did.”

Josh covers his face, laughing sadly, then walks out of the car with the ignition still running.

Darnell: “Josh!  Get back in the vehicle!”

Josh walks to the other side of the street, throwing himself onto a patch of grass.

Darnell: “Josh!  JOSH!!!” {to himself} “Jesus.”

Darnell turns the car off and walks over.

Darnell: “C’mon, it’s not that bad.  Let’s just get back in the car –”
Josh: “You know why my girlfriend dumped me?”
Darnell: “Ashley?”
Josh: “No.  Remember that chick from Spanish Club?”
Darnell: “Candice.”
Josh: “Yeah.  You know why?”
Darnell: “Anxiety?”
Josh: “I’m almost nineteen, Darnell.  What if I can’t pass this?  I’ll have to take the bus with schizos and spinsters and guys wearing plastic trash bags for clothing.”
Darnell: “Not everyone who uses public transportation is –”
Josh: “A failure: that’s what I am.  And a disappointment to everybody.”
Darnell: “You’re not a disappointment to me.  Now just –”
Josh: “Sure I am.  I’m gonna have to take this test with you again, man.” {realizing} “And the permit test AGAIN.  Agh.  I barely passed it the last time.”
Darnell: “You can pass it again.”
Josh: “I don’t want to have to take it again!”
Darnell: “Josh, you can get through this. It’s just a bump in the road.”

Josh looks at him — “Bump in the road?”  Seriously?

Darnell: “You just…need to believe in yourself.”
Josh: “Believe in myself?  What are you, a Saturday morning cartoon?” {then} “I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to yell at you.  I’m just frustrated.”
Darnell: “Self-esteem comes from doing.  If you get back in the car –”
Josh: “You know what’s sad?  I always wanted to drive an ice cream truck.”
Darnell: “Why?”

Josh plays with the grass, ripping some out of the ground.

Josh: “Everyone’s happy to see the ice cream man.  I don’t know.”

Darnell finally sits.

Darnell: “Josh, I’ve known you for two years now, and I’m telling you: you’re never gonna pass this test if you keep thinking you won’t.”

Josh stares at the ground.  Darnell sighs.  Then –

Darnell: “You didn’t fail the test.”
Josh: {sitting up} “What?”
Darnell: “I lied.  You still have two points left.”
Josh: “Then I’ve failed.”
Darnell: “Yeah.”
Josh: {wiping his tears} “But I haven’t failed yet?”
Darnell: “Correct.”
Josh: “But you told me I did?”
Darnell: “I thought it would help you finish.  Take the pressure off or something.” {OFF Josh’s look} “I don’t know.  It made sense at the time.”
Josh: “Two points left, huh?”

Darnell extends his arm, dangling the car keys.

Darnell: “Two points.”

Josh grabs them, stands up, and walks to the car.

They get in.  Josh starts the engine.

Darnell: “Take a right at the stop sign.”

Josh follows directions.

Darnell: “…and pull into the DMV.”
Josh: “Oh.  I didn’t realize how close we were.”

As Josh pulls in, he almost crashes into another car.  Darnell looks down and coughs, pretending not to see it.

INT. DMV – SAME

Susan sees the car on its way back, and begins praying.

INT. JOSH’S CAR – SAME

Josh puts the car in park.  Turns off the ignition.

Darnell: “Do you know why I took this job?”
Josh: “Because middle school student photographer was taken?”
Darnell: “Yes.  And because I like seeing people realize their potential.”
Josh: “Okay, don’t do this sentimental stuff on me.  Did I pass or not?”
Darnell: “Let me tally up your score.”

Darnell looks down at his clipboard.  Slowly, he counts –

Darnell: “One, two, thr –”
Josh: “Darnell.”
Darnell: {grinning} “You passed.”

Josh lets out a sigh of relief.

Josh: “Did I deserve to pass?”
Darnell: “I mean, the test is biased.  Probably.”
Josh: {smiling} “You know, Darnell, in a very strange way, I’m gonna miss you.”
Darnell: “You can always come visit.”
Josh: “Visit the DMV?”
Darnell: “I know.  I realized as I said it.”

Josh exits the car and walks away.  Darnell yells back –

Darnell: “By the way, if you want to drive an ice cream truck, you have to pass additional tests.”
Josh: “Oh, I don’t really want to do that. I was just trying to guilt you into a pity pass.”
Darnell: “Fair enough.”

INT. DMV – CONTINUOUS

Susan looks at Josh as he walks in.  He smiles and puts up his arms in triumph.

Susan: “Oh, thank God.”

Josh and Susan embrace.  Susan starts to tear up.

PAN TO a GIRL (about 17) who sits, watching.  Her FATHER (50s) pats her knee.

Girl: {re: Josh} “Asshole.”

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. APARTMENT – JOSH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JOSH (25, lanky, mostly defeated) sits at his computer, typing and eating cereal.  His cell RINGS.

Josh: “Hello?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Hey, is this Josh?”
Josh: “Yeah, who is this please?”
Voice: (V.O.) “God.”
Josh: “I’m sorry?”
Voice: (V.O.) “God?”
Josh: {pauses, then} “David?”
Voice: (V.O.) “No.  God.”
Josh: “Kapil?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Jesus Chri — GOD.  G-O-D.  GOD.  As in, ‘Praise God.’  ‘God is great.’  ‘Goddamnit!’”
Josh: “Who is this, really?”
Voice: (V.O.) {sighs, then} “Look, can you just accept that it’s me and we’ll move on?  I don’t have a lot of time here.”
Josh: “What am I doing right now?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Sitting at your computer, typing and eating a bowl of cereal.”
Josh: “Well, that’s not…I mean, a lot my friends could have guessed that.  I have notoriously good work ethic and notoriously terrible eating habits.”
Voice (V.O.): “You just saw that movie Beginners at the theater and cried like a pussy.”
Josh: “I think I posted that on facebook.”
Voice: (V.O.) “You keep a document on your computer of the things you want in a woman.  Number 38 is, ‘She doesn’t believe in God maybe.’” {pause} “Hello?”
Josh: “I’m checking.” {then} “Yeah, you’re right.”
Voice: (V.O.) “So?”
Josh: “So at least it’s low down on the list.”
Voice: (V.O.) “No, I mean, do you believe that it’s me now?”
Josh: “What is this?  Is this a prank?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Josh, listen.  I got less than ten minutes here.  There’s a specific reason why I called and I think you know what it is; so, you can either talk to me and ask for some advice or you can spend the remainder of this phenomenal opportunity being skeptical and miss out.”

Beat.

Josh: “Okay.  Okay, yeah, I have some questions.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Shoot.”
Josh: “All right.  Well, first of all, I guess…………what the fuck, man?!”
Voice: (V.O.) “Gotta be a little more specific.”
Josh: “I mean, what is all of this?  What’m I…?” {exhales} “I don’t know.  How’m I doing here?”
Voice: (V.O.) “In terms of this conversation?”
Josh: “Just in general.  In life.  How’m I doing?”
Voice: (V.O.) “That’s kind of your call.”
Josh: “What do you mean?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Well, how you’re doing depends on the unit by which you measure success.  You think success comes from productivity; so, for a twenty-five-year-old trying to make it in a very difficult business, I’d say you’re doing all right.  You’ve had a few good jobs, people generally like you.  You haven’t written Citizen Kane or anything, but you’re trying.”
Josh: “Will I write Citizen Kane?”
Voice: (V.O.) “No.  Orson Welles already did.”
Josh: “You know what I mean.”
Voice: (V.O.) “It’s possible.  Just keep working at it, if that’s what you want.”
Josh: “Are all of your answers going to be this vague?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Depends on what you want to know.”

Josh sighs, thinking.

Voice: (V.O.) “You’re down to eight minutes.”
Josh: “Okay, okay…um, will I ever find the right woman?”
Voice: (V.O.) “You’re asking me questions you’d ask a fortune teller.  Maybe ask some questions you’d ask God.”
Josh: “All right.  Sorry.  I’m a little flustered.  Um…let’s see…um…what’s…your favorite animal?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Seriously?”
Josh: “Yeah, I’m curious.”
Voice: (V.O.) “The lemur.”
Josh: “The lemur?  Why?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Do a Google image search for ‘lemur.’  That’s why.”
Josh: “And your favorite color?”
Voice: (V.O.) “White.  Not surprisingly.”
Josh: “You mean because of Heaven or, like, is that a racial thing?”
Voice: (V.O.) “What do you think?”
Josh: “I mean, I’ve studied history…”

Josh waits.  No answer.

Josh: “No?  Okay, um…  What…should I be doing?”
Voice: (V.O.) “What you want to do, as long as what you want to do doesn’t hurt anyone else.”
Josh: “So, basically, follow my dreams and be nice?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Basically.”
Josh: “Is that — I mean, I don’t want to be offensive or anything, but shouldn’t that just kind of be the one rule of religion?”
Voice: (V.O.) “That’s how it started.”
Josh: “Really?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Yeah, but people disagreed on ‘good’ and ‘right,’ and what does and doesn’t hurt someone; so, it kind of got expanded and broke off.  But, anyway, yes.  I don’t have to tell you that.”
Josh: “Oh oh oh!  I got a good one: what’s your opinion on gays?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Some are cool; some are dicks — just like any group of people.”
Josh: “And marriage?”
Voice: (V.O.) “You’ve seen the statistics.  If they want to marry, it’s their loss, as far as I’m concerned.”
Josh: “But you’re not against it?”
Voice: (V.O.) “I’m against it insofar as I’m against marriage as a whole…sometimes.  Other times, I completely understand the benefits.”

Josh pauses, thinking some more.

Voice: (V.O.) “You’ve got five minutes.”
Josh: “I can’t think when you do that.”
Voice: (V.O.) “What do you want to ask me?  What’s on your mind right now?”
Josh: “Right now?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Right now.”
Josh: “Well, right now, I was trying to think of a punch line for a joke I’m writing.”
Voice: (V.O.) “What’s the set-up?”
Josh: “Oh, it’s…stupid.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Go ahead.”
Josh: “Okay, well…I’m trying to, so there’s this character that’s saying her boyfriend is a good guy and her girlfriends are arguing that he’s not good enough for her.  So, the woman says, ‘He’s hard working,’ and I’m trying to think of, like, a funny way for them to shoot it down or undercut it or whatever.”
Voice: (V.O.) “How about she says, ‘He takes his work home with him,’ and one of the women replies, ‘Yeah — and he works at a bar!’”
Josh: “Not bad.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Implying he’s an alcoholic.”
Josh: “Yeah, no, I got it.  That’s…that’s not bad.”
Voice: (V.O.) “You’re shooting down a joke from God?  Christ, you’re hard to please.”
Josh: {typing} “I’m writing it down.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Josh?”
Josh: “Yeah, I know: three and one half minutes left.”
Voice: (V.O.) “There’s a reason I called.  What do you really want to ask me?”
Josh: “I–I don’t know.  What should I ask you?”
Voice: (V.O.) “I can’t tell you that.”

Josh takes a deep breath.

Josh: “Why am I so lonely?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Because you choose to be.”
Josh: “I don’t see how that’s true.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Well, you’ve chosen a solitary profession, which requires that you spend most of your time alone, introspecting.  Also, you’re a very critical individual.  You meet people all of the time but you dislike most of them for one reason or another, and that’s that.  You could easily go out to clubs or bars or, you know, random sex- and drug-filled parties in Venice; but you don’t.  It’s not a bad thing; it’s just the choice you continually make.”
Josh: “That’s true, but I wouldn’t spend so much time alone if I had better friends.”
Voice: (V.O.) “And you’d probably have better friends if you didn’t spend so much time alone.  Your relationships might be stronger or you’d have met other people you got along with.  This is kind of a ‘chicken or the egg’ thing we’re talking about.”
Josh: “But the people I meet disappoint me.  Everyone disappoints me.  Even my mom, who’s, like, my best friend — pathetic as that is to admit — is that pathetic?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Mmm…”
Josh: “Well, she doesn’t take my advice when she asks for it, and, like, I don’t know.  She told me that if it weren’t for me, she’d have killed herself by now.  That’s not — that’s not healthy, right?  You’re not supposed to say that to your son.  Like, I’m the sole cause of her unhappiness.  If I just didn’t exist, she could kill herself and everything would be great.”
Voice: (V.O.) “You know that’s not what she meant.”
Josh: “I know.”
Voice: (V.O.) “You don’t ever think about killing yourself, do you?”
Josh: “Never.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Are you sure?”
Josh: “Absolutely.  I mean, I remember reading that people who kill themselves go to Hell, and even though I don’t really believe in Hell, I don’t want to risk wiping myself off of this plane of existence only to end up in a worse one.” {then} “Also, I think I’m a decent writer and something I do has to be brilliant or funny or helpful or something.  Right?  Will it be?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Not a fortune teller.”
Josh: “Right.”

Josh sighs.

Voice: (V.O.) “Two minutes.”
Josh: “Why did [NAME OMITTED] break up with me?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Honestly?”
Josh: “Honestly.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Because you asked, ‘Can I kiss you?’”
Josh: “Yeah, and we did.  And it was good.  That was bad?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Don’t ask; just do it.”
Josh: “Yeah, but I didn’t want her to feel like I was raping her lips or whatever.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Oh, who cares?  You know if she said, ‘No,’ you’d have stopped.  Besides, you two had a really nice night together and she clearly liked you.  She invited you up to her place, you met her cats…  The cats liked you.”
Josh: “That was a big deal.”
Voice: (V.O.) “That was a big deal.”
Josh: “So it was just a lack of confidence?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Probably.”
Josh: “If I had acted like more of a dick, would that have made a difference?”
Voice: (V.O.) “It’s possible.”
Josh: “Agh…fuck.  She was the first girl I liked in so long.”
Voice: (V.O.) “I know.”
Josh: “So Goddamn long.” {then} “Sorry.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Don’t apologize.  I said it, too.”
Josh: “I just…like, it totally set me off.  And it wasn’t even necessarily that she was so amazing.  I was probably still idealizing her.  But she was literally the first girl in my 25 years of life who rejected me.  I mean, I’ve had immediate rejection, like, at a club or whatever, but not after two and a half dates.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Meeting her at a coffee shop and working on your screenplay was not a date.”
Josh: “That’s why I said, ‘a half.’  Whatever.  I’m just so overwhelmed right now…and so underwhelmed, too.  Is that possible?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I’m being nice enough to people or if I’m being too nice or…should I just not care about anyone?  That seems to be how a lot of people become successful.  But I don’t wanna — I don’t know.”
Voice: (V.O.) “Josh –”
Josh: “And these people I grew up with are becoming more successful than I am, and I know it’s not a good idea to compare myself to people that are in different professions than I am, but I just — I can’t help it and I feel less than.  And I feel angry all of the time — probably because I’m a perfectionist and that psychology book I read said perfectionists have a lot of anger toward themselves…and depression is just inward anger or something, right?  Is that all right?  What do I do here, God?  How do I become a happier person?  How do I…what do I do?” {long pause, then} “Hello?”
Voice: (V.O.) “We’re out of time, Josh.”
Josh: “Wait.  Can you just answer some of that stuff?  I finally got to the core of what I wanted to ask you, I think.”
Voice: (V.O.) “I’m sorry.  I have to jump on another call.”
Josh: “Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  Can you just…just one more thing?”
Voice: (V.O.) “Yes?”
Josh: {takes a deep breath} “Was this a joke or do you actually exist?”
Voice: (V.O.) {a light chuckle, then} “Goodbye Josh.”

The phone CLICKS.  The person on the other end has hung up.  Josh puts his phone down, confused.  He takes a beat, then types on his laptop.  He looks into his computer screen and laughs.

Josh: “Lemurs.”