“Some Thoughts on the Activists Outside of Trader Joe’s”


I was outside of Trader Joe’s recently and this activist with a clipboard goes –

Activist: “Five seconds to stop bullying?”

I looked at him and said –

Josh: “Get outta of my face, fatty!”

…which I thought was really funny — until I realized that I was performing for an audience of no one.

* * *

I hate these Trader Joe’s activists.  They’re always asking me for money I don’t have like –

Activist: “Two dollars to help poverty?”
Josh: “I’ve been unemployed for six months.  If I give you two dollars…” {pointing to myself} “…there will be more poverty!”

And they’re hypocrites, these people — because when they ask, there’s usually a homeless man sitting right next to them.  He’s looking up at the activist like –

Homeless man: “We don’t need the middle man here!”

I also hate how these activists say they’re “raising awareness” because raising awareness doesn’t do anything.  It’s just a dude with a clipboard going –

Dude with a clipboard: {pointing} “Look!  Starving kid.”

And c’mon.  Even if they’re not asking for money, do they really still believe that signatures affect law?  The president doesn’t stop his meetings to be like –

President: “Wait a minute, everybody.  It seems that a lot of people don’t like the way we’re handling guns.  And to prove it, they gave me their names.”

* * *

I like to try a few tactics to get these people to stop pestering me.  If they say –

Activist: “We’re raising money for breast cancer.”

I say –

Josh: “Oh, that’s great.  ‘Cause I have breast cancer.  How much did you raise for me?”

Or I like to pretend to be on the other side of the issue.

Activist: “We’re raising money to save the whales.”
Josh: “Fuck whales!  Fucking…  MMMMMH!!!” {yelling into the sky} “WHAAAALES!!!”

One time — and I’m not proud of this — I told someone with a clipboard that I didn’t want to talk to them because — and I quote — “I was raped by someone in your organization.”  (And by the way, I support Planned Parenthood.)

* * *

Ultimately, though, I’m just taking these interactions way too seriously.  Why do I have such a crippling fear about getting on an e-mail list?  It’s like –

Activist: “Five seconds for world hunger?”
Josh: “I’m not gonna give you my information.  You’ll send me e-mails every week or so!  What’ll I do?  Just use the delete button?  Unsubscribe?  No, that’s too rational!”

Sign Outside of Trader Joe's

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