– I just finished working for this TV show… Has anyone seen “Modern Family?” Yeah, that wasn’t the show, but that’s the kind of thing I’m going for next.
– Writing for TV makes me think I’m an intellectual, but then I remember how and when people watch it. It seems like the TV writer speech should be like –
TV Writer: {à la Tom Joad in The Grapes of Wrath} “Wherever someone wants to fall asleep to inoffensive, hacky jokes, we’ll be there; wherever someone is stoned and looking for something to watch, we’ll be there; and wherever someone is just trying to kill some time to avoid boredom, we’ll be there.”
– I’m unemployed now, though, which means I sit at home most days watching movies, sit-coms, and “Blue’s Clues.” It’s like –
Steve: {on TV} “What does Blue want to make with three snowballs, a carrot, and some coal?”
I’m like –
Josh: “Ah crap. I should know this.” {then, yelling out} “Something sexual!”
– I’m looking for a quality job, but everyone tells me to just take anything. I’m like, “Why? So I can be a production assistant on Fear Factor?” I just imagine my boss going –
Fear Factor boss: “Josh, we’re gonna need you to test out these pureed bull testicles.”
I’m like –
Josh: {swirling the glass of pureed bull testicles, preparing to drink} “I hear this is how Scorsese got his start.” {glug glug glug}
– I did have a few interviews, but here’s my rule: the longer the job title, the more degrading the job. Like, if you’re at the top, you’re CEO, COO, or President; but if you’re at the bottom, you’re “second assistant to the co-head of the television literary department with an emphasis in packaging.”
– When I went in, I caught the tail end of the interview before me. Male boss, female applicant. Boss opens the door and tells this girl –
Boss: “Bottom line, if I need a reservation at Spago in an hour and they say it’s impossible, you drive down there and suck enough dick to make it possible.” {then} “Thanks for coming in.” {then, to me} “You next?”
I was like –
Josh: “No. I’m actually gonna go check if Spago’s hiring.”
– Just being in that office made me think of my intern days, always feeling so relieved when someone didn’t notice my screw-ups, like –
Josh: {wiping of sweat} “Whew! Thank you, Jesus, for letting me keep my unpaid, soul-sucking job.”
– It reminded me, too, that when you have an office job, no one cares about your daily tasks. People ask you what’s new, you’re like –
You: “Oh man, I was trying to create this excel sheet at work, right? But when I pushed the ‘sigma’ button, it kept giving me this endless collection of pound signs rather than the actual summation. I was like, ‘Whaaaaaat?’”
– Of course, none of us like working anyway — unless you get paid to slack off, but we can’t all work for the government.
– Still, having been unemployed for as long as I have, I can tell you firsthand that “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” is really more of an inverse bell curve.
