I’ve written a lot of scripts that will never go anywhere, so right now, I’d like to say goodbye to some of the characters I’ve lost over the years…
(1) The one guest on “Maury” who isn’t deplorable.
Maury: “Robert, you are not the father of Jennifer’s baby.”
Robert: “You know what, Maury? I’ma raise that kid anyway. I love you, Jennifer!”
(2) The 21-year-old who makes his insecurities known every time he brags to women.
– 21-year-old: “You know, I smoked tobacco once.”
– 21-year-old: “I know you’re three years older than me, but I can still please you, I think.”
– 21-year-old: “Can you believe three women have already hit on me?”
Girl: “Tonight or ever?”
(3) The incredibly nice German man who can’t say anything that doesn’t sound frightening.
German man: “I made you…a birsday cake.”
(4) The nurse who tells patients horrifying stories about disgusting things she has seen right before she operates on them.
Nurse: “One time I did this, a guy bled out in fifteen minutes.” {then} “All right. Here we go.”
(5) The Australian guy who thinks American accents are hilarious.
Australian guy: “How do you say it? ‘Harvard.’ Ha ha ha…”
(6) The female protagonist’s date, who is obsessed with his occupation of working with erasers.
– Eraser guy: “A lot of people ask me why I got into the eraser business.”
Female: {skeptical} “Do they?”
– Eraser guy: “And that’s when my father told me, ‘Son, don’t write history; erase it, and rewrite history.”
Female: “Powerful stuff for a first date.”
– Eraser guy: “I know this date didn’t go very well, but I’d like a second chance. Like an eraser can provide. Just erase the bad parts and — wait, come back! I love you! ERASERS!!!”
(7) The worst R&B singer/songwriter ever.
R&B singer: {sexy voice} “Ey girl… You know what I like about you? Your small hands make my dick look big.”
Background singers: “They make his dick look bi-ig!”
R&B singer: “And once I take my Viagra, mmmm… I wanna do things they wouldn’t approve of in church, you know what I’m saying? Things that’d get me thrown in jail in third world countries. Like rape.” {off screen} “What? Here, too?”
Background singers: “They’re dropping you as a client.”
(8) The Indian dude who won’t talk to white people unless they speak to him in an Indian accent.
White customer: “Hey, can I get three packs of gum?”
Indian guy: “I can’t understand your accent, white boy.” {then} “How many packs of gum did you want?”
White customer: “Three.”
Indian guy: “Ooooooh, did you mean, ‘Tree?’ I think you meant, ‘Tree.””
(9) The suicide bomber who experiences unrequited love.
Terrorist: {sigh} “She’ll never be with me. Maybe I should just…blow this place up.”
(10) The character who corrects people on how to say his last name even though it’s massively embarrassing.
– Concierge option #1: “Mr. Discar-gay?”
Character option #1: “It’s pronounced ‘Discharge!’”
– Concierge option #2: “Mr. Cume guhzler…”
Character option #2: “It’s pronounced ‘Cum Guzzler!”
– Concierge option #3: “Mr. Pen-iss?”
Character option #3: “It’s pronounced ‘Cocklicking Asshole!’” {then} “It’s a Russian name. Silent ‘P.’ Not so silent ‘Cocklicking Asshole.’”
