“Conversation”

I don’t know how to start a conversation.  Either I complain about something, list off my insecurities, or volunteer a story that makes people I’m meeting uncomfortable, like –

Josh: “Hey, wanna hear about the first time I had sex?”
Rabbi: “That might be a little inappropriate.”
Josh: “At least it won’t be boring.”

Nobody wants to hear about your uninteresting job, your stupid kids, the lame restaurants you frequent, the who-gives-a-shit car you drive, the anything-but-exciting sex you life have, or — for Christ’s sake — the weather.

They want to hear about the time I went on a date with a “pre-op,” thinking it meant the person was going to be an eye doctor (“pre-optometry”), but discovered at the restaurant that I was meeting a “pre-operative transsexual male.”  That’s a memorable story.

* * *

I want to have real conversations all the time.  So, the next time you’re at a social event, feel free to pull out any of these as conversation starters –

– “What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?”
– “What’s your weirdest sexual fantasy?”
– “When was the last time you really felt your feelings?”
– “Pubic hair: natural, groomed, or gone?”
– “What do you do that most increases global warming?”
– “How often do you feel like putting your head in the oven?”
– “They say that there are five people you meet in heaven.  Which one of the five would you fuck?”
– “How often do you look at your partner and think you can do better?”
– “Why are we lonely but still afraid of intimacy?”
– [Any question followed by a series of “Why?”’s]

And these work well with young children –

– “So how about this whole ‘death’ business?  Nuts, huh?”
– “If you’re okay just the way you are, why does everyone pick on you all the time?”
– “When you grow up, how do you want to slave your life away to appease your economic masters?”
– “You know there’s no Santa, right?”
– “Can you REALLY trust anyone?” {listen, then} “Really?”
– “So when are you getting pregnant?”
– “Has anyone told you how fun drugs are?”
– “Are you going to be rich when you grow up?” {listen, then} “Yeah?  And how do you plan to pull that off, genius?”
– “Do you feel like you’ve lived this day 100 times before?”
– “Your Mom says there’s a God, but how do you know?” {listen, then} “Do you think He’d really have time to listen to everyone’s prayers?” {listen, then}  “Do you think He’d ignore your prayers?”

* * *

Side note — I actually asked a seven-year-old once whose prayers he thought God might ignore and this sweet little kid said –

Seven-year-old: “Jews.”
Josh: “Why Jews?”
Seven-year-old: {matter-of-fact} “‘Cause they’re heathens.”