EXT. CLUB – NIGHT
An insanely attractive GIRL (20s) stands on a street corner, trying to hail a cab. Up walks GUY (20s), the polar opposite of attractiveness — but you wouldn’t know it from his confidence.
Guy: “Yo. Ey girl. Ey. I wanna take you home, you know what I mean?”
Girl: “Taxi.”
Guy: “Nah, lady. You gots to see my crib. My bed, my stuffed animals.”
Girl: “What?”
Guy: “Yeah, I got animals galore. Elephants and lions and doggies.”
Girl: “Doggies?”
Guy: “Doggies, girl. Straight up. So what’s it gonna be? You gonna hop on the back of my scooter?”
Girl: “Scooter?”
Guy: {smiling} “Why you repeating everything I say? ‘Cause you in love with me already?”
Girl: “That…doesn’t make any sense.”
Guy: “Neither does life, but we still go on, yadidImean?” {hangs head} “God bless.”
Girl: “Look, I’m just trying to get home. Taxi!”
Guy: {rapping} “Why you hailin’ cabs when you could be coming home with me? / Why you gonna front when I been nothing but nice to you?” {OFF her creeped out look} “Oh, I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna be like, ‘That mess didn’t rhyme. Are you doing free verse rappin’? That’s awesome.’ Yeah girl, it is. ‘Cause ‘Awesome’ my middle name. Big Awesome Philjuice.”
Girl: “Your last name’s ‘Philjuice?’”
Guy: “Why? That turn you on?”
Girl: “Taxi.”
Guy: “You serious, pimpin’? You gonna turn down a man with crabs?”
Girl: “Excuse me?”
Guy: “Yeah, I got crabs. My last girlfriend gave ‘em to me.”
Girl: “That’s horrifying.”
Guy: “They ain’t gonna get ‘chu. They cute. Spend most of they time sleeping in they hermit hut.”
Girl: “Oh, hermit crabs.”
Guy: “What you think I mean?”
Girl: “Listen, I have to wake up early tomorrow and –”
Guy: “I make you breakfast. Peanut butter pie?”
Girl: “Ew.”
Guy: “Ew?! No, girl, you ain’t had my peanut butter pie…have you?”
Girl: “I don’t know you.”
Guy: “Cool.”
Girl: “Do you have Asperger’s?”
Guy: “Yo, I ain’t no ass burger.”
Girl: “You’re not picking up on the — I don’t like you, Philjuice. I’m not attracted to you. I want you to go home and never talk to me again, you retarded freak.”
Guy goes silent. He hangs his head.
Guy: “Ey. My bad.”
Girl looks at him, remorseful. Then –
Guy: “Let me slow it down.”
Girl: “Jesus Christ.”
Guy: “You like them Blue Planet videos?”
Girl: “No.”
Guy: “I got all them shits. Specially the ones about the planet. All that photosyntheshit.”
Girl: “TAXI!!!”
FADE OUT.
