Daily Archives: June 29, 2012

Women: I will grant you that a lot of men are clueless, but that’s only because a lot of you think waaaaaaay too deeply into things.

My girlfriend was reading one of those man-hating magazines — you know, like Women’s Health — and the cover said –

“What Men are Really Dying for in Bed…”

Wanna know?  I will tell you what men are really dying for in bed…

Anything.

I mean, preferably something warm, vaguely moist.  Enthusiasm’s good.  But honestly, we’re not that complicated.  I don’t understand these magazine covers.  “50 Ways to Please Your Man?”  I’m happy with two: blow job and a compliment.  Maybe a friend.  3 things tops.  But 50?

* * *

These magazines are lying to you.  Not only are they making men look too complex, but they’re doing so in a very negative light.  I saw one magazine with a cartoon in it that had a “What He Says” column and a “What He Means” column.  Example –

HE SAYS…                                                                                    HE MEANS…
“Honey, I really admire you.”                                                    “Blow me.”

Great.  Now I can’t be nice to my girlfriend ever again because she’ll think I’m being perverse.

– “I treasure you as a friend,” must mean, “Your co-worker’s hot.”
– “I love your family,” must mean, “I’d bang your sister.”
– “I want to love you in every possible way” must mean, “How about anal?”

I don’t understand.  Women know that we’re simple!  They know that we say what we mean!  If a woman asks, “What do you want to do?” and a man says, “Nothing, thanks. I’m tired,” it means, “Nothing, thanks. I’m tired” — not “I feel like we’re drifting apart on mental, emotional, and physical planes of existence.  Also, you’re fat.”

* * *

Meanwhile, because men have been told that women think waaaaaaay too deeply into things, we always have to catch ourselves, like –

Man: “Are you ordering desert?” {OFF woman’s look, immediately} “Because you should!”

And if we don’t want to look insensitive or clueless, we completely overcompensate when it’s not even necessary.  An old girlfriend of mine was rummaging through groceries I bought once and asked –

Woman: “Oh, you got the cheaper milk?”

I was immediately ready, like –

Josh: “The milk purchase is in no way a reflection of how I view you.  You are worthy of better milk — the best milk, in fact.  It’s just that I prefer the taste of that milk for whatever reason, and I love you.”

She was like –

Woman: “Yeah.  I do, too.  What the hell’s the matter with you?”

I keep a pen and scratch paper with me wherever I go.  Usually, I write down my own thoughts, but sometimes I’ll overhear some dialogue that I want to share.  Here are some examples –

10. INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

{A house party.  A NERDY GUY sits next to a CUTE GIRL.  After a long beat of silence –}
Nerdy guy: “Wanna play ‘Spin the Bottle?’”
Cute girl: “With just the two of us?”
{Awkward silence.}

9. EXT. STREET – DAY

{A buff twentysomething in ED HARDY clothing walks with an equally ripped FRIEND.}
Ed Hardy: “You know what’d be cool?  If some hot chick just went around raping guys.”

8. EXT. DISNEYLAND – DAY

{A LITTLE KID (maybe 6) stands in line with his MOTHER and FATHER (mid-30s).}
Little kid: “Is it racist if I hate ninjas?”
Mother: “Do you mean actual ninjas or is that a word for black people?”
Little kid: “The ones that sneak up on you and steal your stuff and kill you.”
Father: “Black people.”

7. EXT. TRADER JOE’S – DAY

{A MAN checks his wallet while an ACTIVIST with a clipboard waits anxiously.}
Man: “I only have a hundred.”
Activist: “I can make change.  That is, after all, what we’re about.”
Man: “You use that line a lot, huh?”

6. INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – DAY

{A DUDE wakes up, scratches himself, then looks at his FRIEND.}
Friend: “Dude, let’s get out of here.”
Dude: “One second.  I gotta piss.”
{The dude walks into the bathroom and UNZIPS his pants.}
Dude: (O.S.) “Well good morning, Godzilla.”

5. EXT. STREET – DAY

{A guy with a MULLETT approaches his FRIEND.}
Friend: {a la Superman} “Faster than a speeding mullet.”
Mullet: “Shut up.”

4. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY

Pretentious college student #1: “I’m an artist.”
Pretentious college student #2: “Yeah?  Me, too.  What’s your medium?”
Pretentious college student #1: “Watercolors.  You?”
Pretentious college student #2: “Macaroni and sprinkles.”

3. INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

{A PATRON walks into an elevator.  He sniffs the air, then looks at a nearby EMPLOYEE.}
Patron: “It smells like someone threw up in here.”
Employee: {jaded} “They did.”
{The patron reaches for a button to escape the elevator, but the doors close on him.}
Patron: (O.S.) “Noooo!”

2. EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY

{A MAN and his BUDDY (both 30s) watch a LITTLE GIRL do some sort of Lady Gaga routine.}
Man: “That girl’s gonna grow up to be a slut.”
{A WOMAN (30s) stands beside him.}
Woman: “That’s my daughter.”
Man: {looks at the little girl, then} “I stand by my statement.”

1. INT. DMV – DAY

{A DMV EMPLOYEE (50s) talks to a CUSTOMER.}
DMV Employee: “You only have to deal with me for a few minutes; I have to deal with me 24/7.”

I don’t like telling people that I’m Jewish — only because I hate the image that people have of Jews.  They all think of Woody Allen, you know?  And while I respect Woody Allen, I don’t think it’s fair to associate every Jew on the planet with that guy.  We’re not all neurotic, scrawny stand-up comics, am I right?

No, I’m asking.  Am I right?  I actually have no idea.

* * *

Here’s another reason you know being Jewish sucks.  When you see an amateur comic, often his or her first routine is –

Amateur comic: “So I’m Jewish…”

– and the comic thinks that’s a joke.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  The comic thinks that being Jewish alone is a joke.

I talk to some of these comics after their shows.  I’m like –

Josh: “Look, I’m offended.  ‘I’m Jewish’ is not a joke.” {beat} “It’s just a set-up.  Think of some punch-lines and you’ll be golden.”