– Josh: “All right, weekend. Let’s do this!”
Weekend: “Don’t waste me feeling sorry for yourself and watching clips of cats on YouTube.”
{48 hours go by.}
Josh: “Sorry, weekend.”
Weekend: “Go fuck yourself.”
– Josh: “What’s wrong, blender? Why aren’t you working?”
Blender: {sigh} “I can’t do this anymore, Josh. Just pull the plug.”
– Josh: “I love you, yogurt-covered almonds.”
Yogurt-covered almonds: “So it’s easy for you to say it to me but not to other human beings? Come on, bro. Grow some balls.”
– Josh: “Damn it, computer. Stop freezing!”
Computer: “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I taking ten measly seconds to load a website that will allow you to access the entire goddamn database of human knowledge? Yeah, no, say, ‘Damn it’ again, you spoiled piece of shit.”
Josh: “Sorry.”
Computer: “Damn right you’re sorry. I can destroy your files, homie — and I know what kind of porn you watch. Believe me: I can find a way to make that information public.”
– Josh: “Seriously, can we just try again?”
Employment: “I’m kind of seeing other people.”
– Josh: “Please come back to me. I really miss you.”
Happiness: “Lower your expectations and I might make an appearance.”
– Josh: {stubbing his toe} “Damnit! Fucking door.”
Door: “Not my fault you’re clumsy.”
– Josh: “What do you say? Should we try to ask out another girl at a bar tonight?”
Self-esteem: {wheezing, dying breaths}
