Monthly Archives: June 2012

Women: I will grant you that a lot of men are clueless, but that’s only because a lot of you think waaaaaaay too deeply into things.

My girlfriend was reading one of those man-hating magazines — you know, like Women’s Health — and the cover said –

“What Men are Really Dying for in Bed…”

Wanna know?  I will tell you what men are really dying for in bed…

Anything.

I mean, preferably something warm, vaguely moist.  Enthusiasm’s good.  But honestly, we’re not that complicated.  I don’t understand these magazine covers.  “50 Ways to Please Your Man?”  I’m happy with two: blow job and a compliment.  Maybe a friend.  3 things tops.  But 50?

* * *

These magazines are lying to you.  Not only are they making men look too complex, but they’re doing so in a very negative light.  I saw one magazine with a cartoon in it that had a “What He Says” column and a “What He Means” column.  Example –

HE SAYS…                                                                                    HE MEANS…
“Honey, I really admire you.”                                                    “Blow me.”

Great.  Now I can’t be nice to my girlfriend ever again because she’ll think I’m being perverse.

– “I treasure you as a friend,” must mean, “Your co-worker’s hot.”
– “I love your family,” must mean, “I’d bang your sister.”
– “I want to love you in every possible way” must mean, “How about anal?”

I don’t understand.  Women know that we’re simple!  They know that we say what we mean!  If a woman asks, “What do you want to do?” and a man says, “Nothing, thanks. I’m tired,” it means, “Nothing, thanks. I’m tired” — not “I feel like we’re drifting apart on mental, emotional, and physical planes of existence.  Also, you’re fat.”

* * *

Meanwhile, because men have been told that women think waaaaaaay too deeply into things, we always have to catch ourselves, like –

Man: “Are you ordering desert?” {OFF woman’s look, immediately} “Because you should!”

And if we don’t want to look insensitive or clueless, we completely overcompensate when it’s not even necessary.  An old girlfriend of mine was rummaging through groceries I bought once and asked –

Woman: “Oh, you got the cheaper milk?”

I was immediately ready, like –

Josh: “The milk purchase is in no way a reflection of how I view you.  You are worthy of better milk — the best milk, in fact.  It’s just that I prefer the taste of that milk for whatever reason, and I love you.”

She was like –

Woman: “Yeah.  I do, too.  What the hell’s the matter with you?”

I keep a pen and scratch paper with me wherever I go.  Usually, I write down my own thoughts, but sometimes I’ll overhear some dialogue that I want to share.  Here are some examples –

10. INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

{A house party.  A NERDY GUY sits next to a CUTE GIRL.  After a long beat of silence –}
Nerdy guy: “Wanna play ‘Spin the Bottle?’”
Cute girl: “With just the two of us?”
{Awkward silence.}

9. EXT. STREET – DAY

{A buff twentysomething in ED HARDY clothing walks with an equally ripped FRIEND.}
Ed Hardy: “You know what’d be cool?  If some hot chick just went around raping guys.”

8. EXT. DISNEYLAND – DAY

{A LITTLE KID (maybe 6) stands in line with his MOTHER and FATHER (mid-30s).}
Little kid: “Is it racist if I hate ninjas?”
Mother: “Do you mean actual ninjas or is that a word for black people?”
Little kid: “The ones that sneak up on you and steal your stuff and kill you.”
Father: “Black people.”

7. EXT. TRADER JOE’S – DAY

{A MAN checks his wallet while an ACTIVIST with a clipboard waits anxiously.}
Man: “I only have a hundred.”
Activist: “I can make change.  That is, after all, what we’re about.”
Man: “You use that line a lot, huh?”

6. INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – DAY

{A DUDE wakes up, scratches himself, then looks at his FRIEND.}
Friend: “Dude, let’s get out of here.”
Dude: “One second.  I gotta piss.”
{The dude walks into the bathroom and UNZIPS his pants.}
Dude: (O.S.) “Well good morning, Godzilla.”

5. EXT. STREET – DAY

{A guy with a MULLETT approaches his FRIEND.}
Friend: {a la Superman} “Faster than a speeding mullet.”
Mullet: “Shut up.”

4. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY

Pretentious college student #1: “I’m an artist.”
Pretentious college student #2: “Yeah?  Me, too.  What’s your medium?”
Pretentious college student #1: “Watercolors.  You?”
Pretentious college student #2: “Macaroni and sprinkles.”

3. INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

{A PATRON walks into an elevator.  He sniffs the air, then looks at a nearby EMPLOYEE.}
Patron: “It smells like someone threw up in here.”
Employee: {jaded} “They did.”
{The patron reaches for a button to escape the elevator, but the doors close on him.}
Patron: (O.S.) “Noooo!”

2. EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY

{A MAN and his BUDDY (both 30s) watch a LITTLE GIRL do some sort of Lady Gaga routine.}
Man: “That girl’s gonna grow up to be a slut.”
{A WOMAN (30s) stands beside him.}
Woman: “That’s my daughter.”
Man: {looks at the little girl, then} “I stand by my statement.”

1. INT. DMV – DAY

{A DMV EMPLOYEE (50s) talks to a CUSTOMER.}
DMV Employee: “You only have to deal with me for a few minutes; I have to deal with me 24/7.”

I don’t like telling people that I’m Jewish — only because I hate the image that people have of Jews.  They all think of Woody Allen, you know?  And while I respect Woody Allen, I don’t think it’s fair to associate every Jew on the planet with that guy.  We’re not all neurotic, scrawny stand-up comics, am I right?

No, I’m asking.  Am I right?  I actually have no idea.

* * *

Here’s another reason you know being Jewish sucks.  When you see an amateur comic, often his or her first routine is –

Amateur comic: “So I’m Jewish…”

– and the comic thinks that’s a joke.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  The comic thinks that being Jewish alone is a joke.

I talk to some of these comics after their shows.  I’m like –

Josh: “Look, I’m offended.  ‘I’m Jewish’ is not a joke.” {beat} “It’s just a set-up.  Think of some punch-lines and you’ll be golden.”

I’ve written a lot of scripts that will never go anywhere, so right now, I’d like to say goodbye to some of the characters I’ve lost over the years…

(1) The praying mantis who loses his faith.

(2) The actor who tortures himself for his art…even though he plays Goofy at Disneyland.

(3) The tough Italian mobster who is embarrassed by his allergy to tomato sauce.

(4) The black sheep who is the only one is his family to sound like a white dude.

(5) The lawyer named Susan (“Sue”) Happy.

(6) The one Asian woman no white guy wants to date (because she has a gaping vagina).

(7) The alcoholic janitor who cleans the bathroom, then throws up on the floor and has to clean it up again. (That may not be funny but it feels very Sisyphean to me.)

(8) The red-colored herring who throws everyone off with tangential conversation…but finally becomes helpful at the end.

(9) The female character with a “Jesus fetish.” (She stares at a poster of shirtless Jesus that hangs on her wall and touches herself.)

(10) The spelling bee contestant who misspells “humiliation.” (That one’s autobiographical.)

I met a girl recently through a dating website that asks a lot of compatibility questions.  One such question was, “What do you find more offensive, flag burning or book burning?”  This girl chose flag burning.  On our first date, she argued –

Girl: “Well, you know, like, books aren’t that important.”

– which has to be on some top five list of worst things to tell a writer.  Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt because there was something about her I really liked.  (Her boobs.)  Anyway, a few more dates in, it became clear to me that this girl was not right for me.  (She wasn’t going to sleep with me before marriage.)

Thus, it was time to call it off.

* * *

Now I’ve heard that — and this only applies if you want to be a nice person — you should break up with someone at a place in which she doesn’t spend a lot of time. For example, you don’t want to break up with a girl in her car because then she’ll associate her car with the bad feelings of the break-up.  That’s why I ask girls to come to the middle of the woods with me.  They’re like –

Females: “You want to drive me into the middle of the woods?!”

I’m like –

Josh: “No no no…  We’re driving separately.”

This works because (1) the girl will probably not be in that specific part of the woods again, and (2) she’s so frightened that I’m going to rape and/or murder her that a break-up pales in comparison.

This time, though, a friend of mine had a better recommendation –

Friend: “Break up with her in a library.”

He was right.  When I told her that we needed to break up and she said –

Girl: {practically screaming} “WHAT?!”

– the entire room shushed her, effectively making the conversation much less explosive.  Plus, I’m pretty sure a library is a place in which she doesn’t spend a lot of time.

– The game “Guess Who?” lets you know which of your friends is racist — because they’ll ask, “Is he black?” but they’ll ask it like this: “Does he look like a criminal?”

– I often describe myself as “the gayest straight guy I know,” and if that doesn’t get women excited…I don’t blame them.

– It’s sad: advertisements are so much more supportive than my parents.  My mom’s like –

Mom: “Listen, Josh, I support your little artistic delusion, but you need a Plan B.”

And a slave labor shoe company tells me –

Nike: “Just do it.”

– This new girl I’m dating really knows how to be intimate…with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

– I think I’d be a good parent because I don’t condescend to children like they’re idiots.  I hate these parents who talk like –

Parent: {condescending tone} “What do you want, Timmy?  Ice cream or pizza?”

Kid’s like –

Timmy: “For Christ’s sake, I’m fifteen-years-old.  And I go by ‘Tim’ now.  And I’ll take the ice cream.”

– Don’t get mad when people say they want to save your soul; just let them do it for you.

– I hate when a parent buys his child a university T-shirt when the kid’s one-and-one-half-years-old.  I’m like, “Christ, give the kid a couple more years before he disappoints you.”

– My friend claims that excessive masturbation will increase one’s dick size, but that’s such a stupid thing to say. I mean, “excessive masturbation” is an oxymoron.

– I understand why people speak in euphemisms — sometimes the reality of a situation is hard to take — but I hope we never reach the point as a society where we try to spare someone’s feelings to the detriment of being helpful.  Like if I get kidney stones, I don’t want my doctor to say, “It is what it is.”  I want him to say, “What it is is a lack of water.  You need to drink more water.”

– This friend of mine is a shit-disturber.  He goes up to one of my religious friends and says –

Friend: “Jesus is fictional.”

My religious friend goes –

Religious friend: “Oh, someone hold my earrings.  In the name of Jesus, I’ma cut you, bitch.”

There’s no joke there, I guess.  I just found that retort hilarious.

– Josh: “All right, weekend.  Let’s do this!”
Weekend: “Don’t waste me feeling sorry for yourself and watching clips of cats on YouTube.”
{48 hours go by.}
Josh: “Sorry, weekend.”
Weekend: “Go fuck yourself.”

– Josh: “What’s wrong, blender?  Why aren’t you working?”
Blender: {sigh} “I can’t do this anymore, Josh.  Just pull the plug.”

– Josh: “I love you, yogurt-covered almonds.”
Yogurt-covered almonds: “So it’s easy for you to say it to me but not to other human beings?  Come on, bro.  Grow some balls.”

– Josh: “Damn it, computer.  Stop freezing!”
Computer: “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I taking ten measly seconds to load a website that will allow you to access the entire goddamn database of human knowledge? Yeah, no, say, ‘Damn it’ again, you spoiled piece of shit.”
Josh: “Sorry.”
Computer: “Damn right you’re sorry.  I can destroy your files, homie — and I know what kind of porn you watch.  Believe me: I can find a way to make that information public.”

– Josh: “Seriously, can we just try again?”
Employment: “I’m kind of seeing other people.”

– Josh: “Please come back to me.  I really miss you.”
Happiness: “Lower your expectations and I might make an appearance.”

– Josh: {stubbing his toe} “Damnit!  Fucking door.”
Door: “Not my fault you’re clumsy.”

– Josh: “What do you say?  Should we try to ask out another girl at a bar tonight?”
Self-esteem: {wheezing, dying breaths}

It’s strange that we ask waitresses what food they recommend, not only as if they’ve tried everything on the menu, but also as if a prerequisite of waitressing is having an advanced palette.  They’re always like –

Waitress: {sigh, then} “I don’t know.  Just get the Denny’s Burger.”

And isn’t that question insulting to waitresses?  I mean, what’re we implying?

Customer: “Well, you look like you’ve tried everything on the menu.  Tell me, Muffin Top, what do you prefer when you’re in the back, frantically shoveling leftovers into your mouth before your boss catches you?”

The sad part is when a waitress actually replies with –

Waitress: {mouth full of food} “I like the quesadillas.”

You have to be honest when you’re dating someone because kindness will screw you over.  Example: this girl I was dating tells me –

Girl: “I missed you.”

I’m like –

Josh: “Uh…I missed you, too, I guess…”

Then it escalates –

Girl: “I love you.”
Josh: “Uh…I love you, too, I guess…”
Girl: “I wanna marry you.”
Josh: “Uh……”

And before I know it, I’m at the altar saying, “I do” because, you know, I don’t want to be mean.

10. Game: Hedbanz
Object: guess the person, place, or thing that’s printed on the card on your headband by asking other people questions.

Friend: “So I’m a state in Africa?”
Josh: “Yes.”
Friend: “Oh, um…” {pronouncing it E-RAHK} “Iraq!” {OFF of Josh’s look, laughing} “Oh, wait.  I’m sorry.  That was stupid.” {pronouncing it EYE-RACK} “Iraq.”

9. Game: Twister
Object: place your hands and feet on different colored circles on a physical mat without falling over.

Spinner: {reading off directions after spinning} “Right hand, green.” {then} “Left hand, green.”
Pervert: {to the CHICK he’s groping} “Heh heh…you’re wearing a green sweater.”

8. Game: Sorry
Object: be the first player to get all of your color pawns from the Start location to the Home space.

Mom: “Suck my balls, Josh.  I’m whooping your ass.”
Josh: “Jesus, Mom.  Don’t be a jerk.”
Mom: “Oh, come on.  It’s just friendly banter.”

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

Josh: “Yeah, Mom, of course you’re good at this game.  You’re a pro at knocking people back to a starting place when they’re moving forward.” {OFF of the room’s silence} “No?  Was that not friendly game banter?”

7. Game: Charades
Object: guess the person, place, or thing that another player is trying to communicate non-verbally.

Excitable friend: “Uh…church.  Church?  Is it church?  No.  Um…school?  No?  Church?”

6. Game: Monopoly
Object: to bankrupt the other players by owning everything on the board.

Sad friend: “Man, this game isn’t fun in this economic climate.  Besides, I’m already losing enough in my everyday life; I don’t need to spend my Friday doing it for ‘fun.’”

5. Game: Cranium
Object: [I still don’t know.]

Drunk player: {guessing what another player is acting out} “Uh…Timothy Dalton!”
Josh: “That was correct, but unfortunately after time ran out.  Sorry, man.”
Drunk player: {smashes a bottle of alcohol and points it at Josh} “Give me the goddamn point!”
Josh: “All right.  Jesus, dude.  You get to move another space in Cranium.”

4. Game: Guess Who?
Object: by asking “yes” or “no” questions, be the first to determine which card one’s opponent has selected, each card depicting a different character’s face.

Josh: “Is he black?”
Other player: “Yes.”
Josh: “It’s Tyrone.”

(Seriously.  I think that’s how many black characters there are in “Guess Who?”)

3. Game: LIFE
Object: move along spaces and have the most money at the end, I think.

Sad friend: “What a depressing game: you get rewarded for getting to the end fastest.  Might as well just have a suicide option.”

2. Game: Operation
Object: use a pair of tweezers to remove “ailments” from a patient without letting the tweezers touch the metal edges of the opening.

Five-year-old Josh: {concentrates, slowly going in for the spare ribs}
Game: {BUZZ!}
Five-year-old Josh: {instantly crying} “I’m just trying to help you!”

1. Game: Guesstures
Object: whatever the object Charades is, but supposedly hipper.

Excitable friend: {frantically guessing} “House?  Uh…school? Uh…church?  Rhymes with dog?  Is it…uh…?” {claps his hands like he’s got it} “CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL!!!”
Everyone else: {stares at Excitable Friend}
Excitable friend: {softer} “I mean, church?  Was it church?”

(That’s always how it is with him.  The answer is “the dentist” and he’s guessing, “Three year dry spell!”  I’m not sure if he’s revealing information about himself or he’s just a terrible and very specific guesser.)