Daily Archives: May 25, 2012

I rarely watch porn.  I’m not opposed to it — at all!  It’s just that, most of my life, I had a 56k Internet connection.  So it would be like –

Girl: {undressing on my computer screen} “Hey baby, why don’t you come closer and I’ll show you my –”

LOADING…

Teenage Josh: ‘Awww…” {then} “Wait, ‘buffering?’  I don’t know what that mean, but it sounds sexy.”

* * *

When I finally did get broadband Internet, I found that I had difficulty getting into porn.  I was always afraid that in the middle of getting it on, the woman in the video would turn to the camera like –

Woman: “Is this what you like, pervert?  Huh?  Stop masturbating to me, you pathetic loser.”

I remember watching this ten-minute video once where a teenager slowly took off all of her clothes and touched herself to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You.”  (The girl was eighteen, nineteen, by the way — and I was, too, at the time.  I’m not a pedophile.)  Anyway, about a minute in, she’s gyrating, putting her boobs up to the camera, and I’m thinking –

Josh: “Wow.  Nine more minutes?  How much of an attention span does this filmmaker think I have?”

But suddenly, I notice that her bedroom door is slightly ajar, and I immediately go soft.  I just know Daddy’s gonna walk into her room any second and tell me –

Daddy: “You should be ashamed of yourself, young man.  This girl is my daughter!  She is an honor student and a math whiz, and it’s men like you who only give her attention based on her looks who cause her to act like this.”

The teenager’s like –

Teenage girl: {pulling a pine cone out of her vagina} “Yeah!”

* * *

Even today, I still find a lot of porn to be degrading and sad.  I usually start watching, like –

Josh: {excited} “Oh yeah, here we go…  What’s he doing?  He’s…got a much bigger penis than I do.  That’s…kinda depressing.” {then} “Oh, I don’t think she likes that, Sir.  That is…gross and…incredibly demeaning.”  {looks away, then looks back}  “Uhp.  Now she’s throwing up.” {looks away, then looks back} “Oh my God.”

When I first started middle school, everyone made fun of me because I didn’t skateboard; so, I went out and bought a skateboard and skateboarding clothes.  When I came back to school with my hip new gear, everyone said –

Middle school kids: “Poser.”

I was like –

Josh: “What the hell do you want from me?!”

– and then they kicked the shit out of me for reasons that I still find unclear.

* * *

I was bullied for years until I figured out that you can escape the abuse; you just have to become a bully yourself and give someone else a wet willy.  Still, I’m noticing now that the bullying had some unfortunate effects on me.  For example, I was eating dinner with a friend recently and he asked me how my food was.  My immediate reaction was –

Josh: “Why?  Did you put something in it?”
Friend: “No, I’m just curious how it is.”
Josh: “I know your girlfriend works here.  Did she spit in my omelet?  What’s going on?”
Friend: “Dude, I’m just trying to make conversation about your meal choice.”
Josh: “Why?  Is this, like, a very non-masculine food selection?  Did I order the homosexual omelet?”

I’m always on the defensive now, assuming that everyone’s playing or about to play a prank on me.

* * *

It’s the same thing with compliments.  For years, I got used to the whole –

Friend: “Nice watch.”
Josh: “Really?”
Friend: “Not!”

So now I just assume that every compliment is going to turn into an insult.  Last week, my boss told me –

Boss: “Good work today, Josh.”
Josh: “But what?”
Boss: “But nothing.  You really helped.”
Josh: “Helped ruin the whole company?  What?  What’re you gonna say?”
Boss: “No, I really appreciate everything you did for us, and if you keep this up, there might be a promotion around the corner.”

I nodded.  Then I gave him a wet willy.

– Advertisements have become my parents.  I just saw this Puma ad where a man asked me, “What are you doing right now?  Get out and run!”  I was like –

Josh: “Yeah!  You’re right, Dad.” {then} “I mean, Puma.” {then} “I mean, God.”

– I’m pro-abortion — not pro-choice; like, I want any pregnant person to have an abortion.

– A lot of my comedian friends say I’m hysterical.  A few of them think I’m funny, too.

– Every Friday night I go out, I bring condoms.  They’re not used to being out, though, so I have to tell them, “Don’t worry, little guys.  You’ll be back home soon.”

(“Little guys” was meant more as a term of endearment than a comment on size, but I’m gonna keep that in there anyway.)

– My friends always send me these YouTube clips with titles like “The Dick Versus the Hacksaw.”  Why would I watch that?  To see if the dick can fight back?

– When people tell me they see me as a harmless Jew, I just remind them how tough I am –

Josh: “Bitch, I killed Jesus.”

– You know how certain artists will seclude themselves in a cabin for months on end to finish a masterpiece?  Do comedy writers do that?  Come out like –

Comedy writer: “I’ve done it!  I have completed Deuce Bigalow 3: Electric Bigalow.”

– It’s funny.  Before I moved to L.A., I thought Hollywood was going to be this expensive, extravagant place filled with celebrities and glamour.  Then I got here and it was just homeless dudes like –

Homeless dude: “Yo, I’ll suck yo’ dick for a dollar.”

I was like –

Josh: “Jesus Christ.” {then} “What a bargain!  I can afford Hollywood after all!!”

– Terrible start to the day: I just passed a homeless man wearing a sweatshirt from my alma mater.  “UCLA Film and Television,” baby.  We produce homeless people.

– Human sacrifice only exists because guys who couldn’t get laid needed a loophole.

Man: {re: a virgin} “She’s not gonna give it up?  Oh, well there’s this thing the Gods just told us about called human sacrifice, so…  What’s that?  Oh, NOW you wanna fuck?  Interesting…”