I try to avoid arguments in relationships by texting or e-mailing nonsense. Instead of dealing with the issue immediately, I save myself some time by letting the woman think too deeply into the meaningless picture I’ve sent her. For example, if my girlfriend texts me –
“We need to talk…”
– I send her a picture of a Kia sedan. Then the over-analysis begins…
- Is he saying I’m low class?
- Kias are South Korean cars. Is he saying he’s more attracted to Asian women?
- Is he saying I’m unreliable?
- Does he want me to buy him a car?
- Is he going to buy me a car?
- Is “Kia sedan” an anagram for something? SIN? SKIN? SKEIN? Something with KIDS?! Oh my God!
By the time she’s finished running with whatever ideas have gone through her head, she’s too exhausted to argue with me, and we can deal with the issue rationally.
* * *
I’ve also been told that women become more interested if you treat them poorly; but again, I’ve found that you don’t need to be malicious — you just need to be confusing. For example, if I can tell that a girl I’m with is losing interest, I’ll send her a text like –
“Looking forward to seeing you. [Sad face.]”
“I love you. [Angry face.]”
“Let’s get together tomorrow. [Picture of a panda in lingerie hanging itself from a string of Christmas lights.]”
- Is he looking forward to seeing me or not?
- Is he mad that he loves me?
- Is he saying he’s attracted to pandas now?
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!