While driving on the freeway, I noticed a bumper sticker that read, “If you don’t look around, you’ll miss what’s important.” I considered the possibility that it was right — maybe in this fast-paced, selfish life of mine, I’m not looking around enough.
And then I got in a car accident.
Indeed, I had looked around, but I still missed what was important: the goddamn road.
* * *
Bumper stickers are useless. I mean, do we really think they’re going to effect change? Like the President of the United States will be in his car, saying –
President: “All right, Johnson. Prepare to drop the atomic…”
{A long silence.}
Johnson: “Mr. President? Mr. President, are you there?”
President: “Go home, Johnson.”
Johnson: “But Mr. President, do you want us to drop the bomb or –”
President: “I said, ‘Go home!’ Maybe it is time to…give peace a chance.”
You’re not changing minds with these stickers. There’s no racist going –
Racist: “I am sick of these Negroes and Jews and –” {reading bumper sticker} “Coexist? Wow. Looks like I owe the world an apology.”
* * *
Truly, I hate everything about bumper stickers. I hate when they distract me, I hate when they’re another advertisement thrown in my face, I hate when they simplify complex social issues, I hate when they’re self-congratulatory (i.e., “I don’t eat anything with a face”), and I hate when they don’t match the personality of the person driving (i.e., the most aggressive, middle finger-happy driver has the bumper sticker that reads, “Love one another”).
And yet, I have a ton of them.
See, I’ve been in so many car accidents that I’ve covered my vehicle with bumper stickers, thinking I’m cleverly disguising my inability to drive with my support for breast cancer awareness. And Obama. And my honor roll grandson.
But I’ve become so fixated on covering up the scratches and dents that I’ve accidentally applied conflicting bumper stickers. Now I look like a gun toting, environmental member of the KKK who supports gay rights, wants to save the whales, and loves the band Korn.
Also, apparently I’m an “Orgasm Donor.”
I’ve been in a lot of accidents.
