Daily Archives: March 16, 2012

June 2000: “Gone in 60 Seconds?  I was gone in 60 seconds…from the theater!”

June 2001: “Swordfish?  More like Boredfish.”

August 2003: “Gigli?  More like Gee, That Was Awful.”

December 2005: “Æon Flux?  More like Æon Sucks.”

March 2006: “Failure to Launch?  More like Failure to Entertain Me…and also launch my level of interest.”

June 2006: “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties?  More like Garfield: A Tail of Two Kill Me.”

November 2006: “Deck the Halls?  More like Dreck the Halls.”

August 2008: “Disaster Movie?  I mean, c’mon…  They’re just asking for it with a title like that.”

January 2010: “The Spy Next Door?  Yeah, you know what should have been next door?  A good script…and some decent actors…and maybe a director who knew what the hell he was doing.  C’mon Hollywood!”

December 2010: “The King’s Speech?  No, seriously, The King’s Speech?  I mean, it’s all right, but thirty minutes into the movie the guy listens to the classical music and he stops stuttering — BOOM!  Problem solved!  I sat through the rest of it, reasoning that he had to keep working at it because this technique wouldn’t work in front of the large audience he’d probably be addressing in the finale, but guess what?  The big speech takes place in A LITTLE ROOM IN FRONT OF NO ONE!  NO ONE!!!  He could have just put on the fucking headphones again!!  Seriously, if this mediocre, feel-good crap wins the Oscar, I give up.”

I hate how some people go –

Person: “Who farted?  Was it you?  Ew!  What it?  Was it you?”

Do you really want to know?

I mean, do you need the answer for some scientific experiment you’re conducting comparing BMI to smelliness?

‘Cause it sounds to me like you just want to absolve yourself of blame and embarrass someone else.  It’s not like you’re gonna follow it up with some helpful nutritional advice, like –

Person: “Who farted…?” {wafting the air} “…because I think your diet would benefit from more potassium.”

No.  If you are truly inquisitive, though, maybe don’t be so accusatory about it.  Try a different tone, like –

Person: {pleased, upbeat} “Hey, who farted?  Smells great, guy.  High five for whoever let that one go.” {looking around} “Nobody?  Oh, c’mon.  Whoever did it gets a dollar.”

Then if some dude in the car raises his hand, don’t say –

Person: “Steve?!  The hell’s the matter with you, bro?  At least crack a window or something.  Jesus, what did you eat for lunch?  A litter box?”

* * *

All right.  That’s pretty much it for my highbrow material.

As a comedian (or, you know, a person who’s trying to be a comedian), people like to pitch me material.  I’m like –

Josh: “I’m not gonna do twenty minutes on your arthritis, Grandma.”
Grandmother: “Your loss.”

As much as I appreciate that some people associate me with funny, it’s unfortunate that my friends tend to assume that everything I say is an attempt at humor.  It’s always like –

Josh: “That girl I was dating just dumped me.”
Friend: {already giggling} “Okay, aaaaand…?”

Half of the time I can’t even finish a sentence because everyone’s just anticipating jokes.  I’m like –

Josh: “I just found out that my best friend is an addict.  It turns out he’s hooked on –”
Friend: “Phonics!”
Josh: “What?”
Friend: “That’s where you were going, right?  He’s in public yelling out, ‘C-A-T.  Cat!’  Gimme more phonics!  I need a hit of the phonics, man!!”
Josh: “No, he’s hooked on crack.”
Friend: “Oh…  ‘cause he’s gay!” {pretends to eat out an asshole.} “Crack?  Right?  Is that where you’re going?”
Josh: “No, man.  I’m not going anywhere.”
Friend: “Right – ‘cause you’ll be here all week!  Ey-yooooo!!!  This guy…”