In the days when writing comedy about facebook was funny and original (see: “never”), a couple of friends and I wrote this short. Co-story credit goes to John Bedard, Kevin Custer, Noel Diaz de Rivera, and Jeremy Hill.
* * *
THE TWITBOOK WEBPAGE
INT. APARTMENT – BEDROOM
THE NEW GUY (20s) waves –
The New Guy: “Hello world. New member here. I’ve heard this site is an important tool for the spread of information. My colleagues tell me –”
INT. APARTMENT – OFFICE
JONSEY_CAT_26 (20s, memorable sweatshirt) holds up her cat –
Jonsey_Cat_26: “It’s my kiiiiiitty!”
INT. HOME
ROB (mid-30s, shady looking) runs into frame, panting.
Rob: “I have a really cool stereo for sale.”
He holds up a stereo with car wires coming out of it.
Rob: “Uh…fifty bucks.”
INT. APARTMENT – KITCHEN
FRIENDLY FELLA (early 20s) –
Friendly Fella: “Happy weekend, friends! I’ll be at the Farmer’s Market at eleven o’clock .
INT. HOME – ROB
reads this.
Rob: “I’ll be at Todd’s house at 11:02.”
…and he pulls down a ski mask over his face.
INT. APARTMENT – OFFICE – JONSEY_CAT_26
Jonsey_Cat_26: “At Friendly Fella: pick me up some organic cat food.”
KITCHEN
Friendly Fella: “Sis, are you really twitting me from the other room?”
OFFICE
Jonsey_Cat_26: “And some grapefruit. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.”
INT. OFFICE
SUNNYYBABYY (mid-20s) sits in an office chair –
SunnyBabyy: “Just had a hot night with my boyfriend. Winky face…”
EXT. POOL
MIKE HUNT (mid-20s) lays by the water, his FRIEND (also mid-20s) in the background –
Mike Hunt: “Last night I learned the term (hashtag) ‘creampie.’”
The friend nods, “Yeah.”
INT. HOME – BASEMENT
“THE FIST” (creepy looking, older) gives a thumbs-up.
“The Fist”: Likes this.
EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – FRIENDLY FELLA
Friendly Fella: “At the Farmer’s Market, if anyone wants to join me. It’s a beautiful day.”
On the side of the screen, “‘THE FIST’ LIKES THIS.”
Friendly Fella: “Hey friend. Does that mean you’re coming?” {long pause, then frowns} “Do you just like that it’s a beautiful day?”
HOLD ON Friendly Fella while he waits for a response…
INT. APARTMENT – OFFICE – JONSEY_CAT_26
Jonsey_Cat_26: “Is gonna go get some water.”
HALLWAY – ROB
Rob: “I’m inside the house. I think I’ll steal the TV first. Although the rugs also look expensive.”
During this twit, Jonsey_Cat_26 passes by, staring only at her laptop…and then walks back into her room with the laptop and a bottle of water.
OFFICE – JONSEY_CAT_26
Jonsey_Cat_26: “I think someone’s in my house.”
HALLWAY – ROB
Rob: “I think someone’s in the house.”
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “I heart my boyfriend. I wonder what he’ll buy me for our anniversary…smiley face with a tongue.”
INT. SAUNA
Mike relaxes with a towel around his waist, his Friend still in the frame.
Mike Hunt: “What kind of gift says, ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you?’”
Mike’s friend reacts.
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “At Mike Hunt: what does that mean?”
INT. SAUNA – MIKE HUNT
Mike Hunt: “At Sunnyybabyy: not you, babe.”
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “At Mike Hunt: what do you mean, not me?”
INT. APARTMENT – OFFICE – JONSEY_CAT_26
sits in the chair as Rob ties rope around her body. (Jonsey_Cat_26 is now in a tank top. Rob holds her sweater in his arms.)
Jonsey_Cat_26: “O M G. There is definitely someone in my house.”
The camera MOVES UP as –
Rob lifts the laptop.
Rob: “Having a productive day.”
He grabs Jonsey_Cat_26’s sweatshirt, adding it to the huge pile of items he’s holding.
INT. HOME – BASEMENT – “THE FIST”
“The Fist” {noncommittal} “Likes this.”
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “At Mike Hunt: are you only in this relationship for the sex question mark exclamation point question mark? Exclamation point?”
INT. COFFEE SHOP – MIKE HUNT
holds some sort of juice drink. Again, there’s the Friend.
Mike Hunt: “At Sunnyybabyy: Please. Let’s not have this argument online.” {then} “In the meantime, check out this funny cat video I found: h, t, t, p, colon, backslash, backslash –”
EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – FRIENDLY FELLA
Friendly Fella: “At SunnyyBabyy and Mike Hunt: why don’t you join me for lunch?”
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION, TODD…all in caps.”
On the side of the screen, “12 PEOPLE LIKE THIS.”
EXT. STREET – ROB
packs items into the back of his car and takes off his mask.
Rob: “Got some more great items. Garage sale at 2:30. Smiley face with a hyphen for a nose.”
EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – FRIENDLY FELLA
sits at a table by himself –
Friendly Fella: “I’m at the lunch area now. I’ll wait to eat if anyone wants to come. Twit me or text me. Or call me. I can wait.”
EXT. HOME – MIKE HUNT
holds up Jonsey_Cat_26’s sweatshirt on a wire coat hanger. (Rob’s in the background with other garage sale items. So is Mike’s Friend who holds up a teddy bear.)
Mike Hunt: “Shopping for some expensive clothes to placate my girl. J/k.”
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “Screw you, Mike.”
EXT. HOME – MIKE HUNT
Mike Hunt: “Looking forward to it.”
The friend gives a thumbs-up.
INT. OFFICE – SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “I haven’t had a period in four months!”
EXT. HOME – MIKE HUNT’S
mouth hangs open. He removes the sweatshirt, holding only the coat hanger.
Mike Hunt: “Purchasing items for my girl.”
Mike’s Friend turns –
Mike Hunt’s Friend: {shaking his head, “Not cool.”} “Dude.”
ROB –
Rob: {taking Mike’s money} “Dude.”
INT. HOME – BASEMENT – “THE FIST”
“The Fist”: “I was raised to be very much pro-life; so, I will not be liking this.”
INT. HOME – BEDROOM – MIKE HUNT
holds up two coat hangers with toys dangling from string. (His friend is in the background, making arts and crafts — i.e., booties.)
Mike Hunt: “Check out the mobile I made for my baby.”
EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – FRONT DOOR
Friendly Fella: “Eff everybody! I have six hundred and five Twitbook friends and clearly zero real ones. I think I’ll go kill myself.” {pause} “Unless anyone –”
INT. HOME – BEDROOM – MIKE HUNT
Mike’s friend is still in the background.
Mike Hunt: “I shall call him Mike Hunt, Jr.”
ON SUNNYYBABYY
SunnyBabyy: “Jr.? Who said it was yours?”
ON MIKE
His friend has disappeared –
Mike Hunt: “What?”
ON SUNNYBABYY
– and appears next to SunnyBabyy.
Mike Hunt’s Friend: “Sorry, bro.”
ROB
Rob: “Wow.”
FRIENDLY FELLA
Friendly Fella: “Gasp.”
JONSEY_CAT_26
Jonsey_Cat_26 (sideways, muffled by the cloth in her mouth) “Mmm-hm-hmmm-hmm-hmm…”
“THE FIST”
“The Fist” {emotionless, arms crossed, rolling on the ground} “Rofl.”
RANDOM GUY
A RANDOM GUY (we’ve never seen before) wears full Lakers gear.
Random Guy: “LAKEEEEEEEEEERS!”
THE NEW GUY
stares at the screen, befuddled. He opens his mouth, but just sort of exhales. He reaches forward and CLOSES THE COMPUTER ON US.
CUT TO BLACK.
