I hate when someone quits smoking and everyone goes –
Everyone: {patting him/her on the back} “Good for you.”
I never smoked in the first place. Do I have to develop an addiction to earn your adoration?!
Nobody’s cheering for me is all I’m saying. They’re too busy applauding the gold medal winner at the Special Olympics.
I know. The dude’s retarded…but he’s still better than I am! I mean, do you see any trophies on my wall? ‘Son of the Year’ does not count — especially because I made it for myself.
* * *
I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like people excel just to spite me — like all human achievement has been publicized to make me feel under-accomplished.
That’s clearly why they invented facebook. So people could update me on the various ways in which they’re surpassing my (lack of) accomplishments –
Dude: “I just ran a 5K.”
Nerd: “Linus Solomon is in a relationship.”
Woman: “I just got a sexy surprise from my boyfriend. Winky face…”
I’m like –
Josh: “Would you stop writing that on my wall, Mom?”
You know why Yo-Yo Ma learned how to play the cello? To hold concerts to remind everyone that I can’t do that.
You know why Michael Jordan dedicated his entire life to basketball? So that he could win three back-to-back championships, look into the camera and say –
Michael Jordan: {cocky} “Take that, Lehrman.”
I bet if I watched old news footage, I’d find it there, too:
JFK: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do to thwart Josh Lehrman.”
