Daily Archives: January 13, 2012

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

A scrawny MALE with a little beer belly sits on a couch.  We’ll call him SKINNY.  He opens a bag of chips, adding cheese from a SPRAY CAN, pets his purring kitten, and turns on the TV.  A booming voice yells –

Voice: (V.O.) “Hey!”

Skinny jumps in fright, losing half of the chips.

ON TV –

A BUFF MAN (early 30s, spandex) narrows his eyebrows at the camera lens.

Buff Man: “Listen here, Scrawny McUgly Pants: I got a deal for you.”

Skinny picks up the remote and changes the channel.

ON TV –

A re-run of “The Golden Girls” plays.

Skinny settles into his seat, munching and laughing.  Then the Buff Man pops into the frame –

Buff Man: “Yo!”

Skinny reaches for the remote.

Buff Man: “Don’t even think about it, weak boy.  You think it’s a coincidence I showed up on two channels?  More like a wake-up call.”

Skinny slowly removes his hand from the remote.

Buff Man: “Thank you.  And you’re welcome.  Because what I’m about to offer you will change your life forever.”

Skinny rolls his eyes.

Buff Man: “I’m serious.  No longer will you be the skinny loser with a little beer belly and a Nintendo T-shirt.”

Skinny touches his gut.  MARIO jiggles.

Buff Man: “No longer will you be sitting at home on a Friday night, watching re-runs of ‘The Golden Girls’ and eating potato chips.”

Skinny holds up the bag.

Buff Man: “Nachos are a subset of potato chips, stupid.”

Skinny lowers the bag.

Buff Man: “What I’m saying is, once you get your hands on my product, you won’t have to imagine you’re another man in your masturbatory fantasies.”

Skinny reacts, embarrassed.

The Buff Man reveals intense workout equipment.

Buff Man: “I give you The Perfectionator.  Developed by a Navy Seal to provide the best results in ultimate full-body sexiness.” {OFF of Skinny’s eye roll} “Not convinced?  Take a look at some before and after shots.”

The BEFORE picture reveals an overweight white man in his 40s.  The AFTER picture reveals a cut black dude in his 20s.

Skinny’s eyebrows raise.

Buff Man: “How about now?”

Buff Man takes a block of cheese and GRATES it on his 6-pack.  HOT LADIES appear on all sides.

Skinny reaches for the telephone.

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER

Skinny turns the last screw on The Perfectionator.  He steps back, staring at the discrepancy between the instructions and the assembled result.  He shrugs.

On the instructions, he finds a note: “NOW WITH MOTIVATIONAL VOICE BOX.”

Skinny turns the Voice Box switch to ON.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “You can do it, kid.  I believe in you.”

Skinny smiles, practically tearing up.  He steps onto the machine and begins his workout.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Skinny sleeps on the mattress of his pullout couch.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “You can do it, kid.  I believe in you.”

Skinny rolls over, waking up.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “You can do it, kid.  I believe in you.”

He walks over to the machine, turns OFF the voice box, and gets back in bed.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Skinny does a few arm exercises…and stops.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “You can do it, kid.  Just a few more.”

Skinny laughs, shaking his head, “No.”

Voice Box (V.O.) “C’mon.  I can feel it.  You got at least three more in you.”

Once again, Skinny shakes his head, “No.”

Voice Box (V.O.) “You must eat a lot of pussy, huh?”

Skinny turns his head to the box.  What?

Voice Box (V.O.) “‘Cause rumor has it you are what you eat.” {then} “Three.  More.”

Skinny reluctantly complies, grabbing onto the handlebars.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Skinny sleeps.  Suddenly –

WHACK!

A rolled-up towel smacks Skinny in the ass.

Skinny bolts out of bed.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “No sleep.  Exercise!”

Skinny ignores it.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “NOOOOOOWWWW!”

Skinny gets out of bed again, reaching for the voice box — but it’s already switched to OFF.

Skinny backs up in fear.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “Come on, Skinny.  Don’t you want people to love you?”

Skinny moves to the phone.

A knife flies at the telephone, cutting the cord.

Voice Box: (V.O.) “Don’t you want to grate cheese on your stomach?  Huh?  Be a real man?”

Skinny drops the phone, rushing to the kitchen.  As he does so, tens of items are hurled at his head — food, sharp objects, his kitten.  Skinny spots the giant spray can of nacho cheese.  He grabs it.

Dodging the items thrown at him, he rushes toward the machine and sprays the cheese in all of the machine’s electrical sockets.

SPARKS fly.

Voice Box (V.O.) “No one will love you, you fool.  No one.  You’ll be back.  You’re weak, Skinny.  Weak!!”

…and it EXPLODES.

Skinny sits down, examining the charred remains of the equipment.  His kitten comes up to him.  He pets it.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Same routine as before — Skinny on the couch with nachos, his kitten, and the TV remote.

ON TV: an episode of “The Golden Girls.”

A SEXY FEMALE interrupts –

Sexy Female: “Hey there, hot stuff.  How’d you like to work on those buns of yours?”

Skinny raises the remote control.

Sexy Female: “I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong.  This machine works.” {sincerely} “Trust me.”

She smiles kindly.

Skinny raises his eyebrows, hopeful — and he reaches for the telephone.

FADE TO BLACK.