INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
People of various ages sit in desks, chatting.
MR. TELLER (30s, briefcase, professional) walks in the door and moves to the chalkboard to write his name.
Mr. Teller: “All right, everyone, settle down. Welcome to landlord training class. I’m Mr. Teller. Is anyone here a crazy bitch, creep, or asshole?”
Everyone in the place raises his or her hand.
Mr. Teller: “Good.” {writing on the board} “Our first lesson today is to find our landlord character. As you all know from the assigned reading, we as landlords must take our worst qualities and exaggerate them to the point that our tenants consider killing us.”
Mumbled agreement from all.
Mr. Teller: {to two students} “Would you two like to start us off?”
A MAN and a WOMAN (30s) step down to the floor.
Mr. Teller: “What’s your name?”
Woman: “Linda.”
Mr. Teller: “Too normal. What’s your landlord name?”
Linda: “Farsha.”
Mr. Teller: “Nice. Ethnic and yet not specific enough to be clearly Persian or Hispanic.” {to the man} “And you, Sir?”
Man: “Gupteh.”
Mr. Teller: “That’s your landlord name?”
Gupteh: “That’s my real name.”
Mr. Teller: {smiling} “Someone was born to do this!” {then} “Now in this exercise, Gupteh will play the tenant who needs his toilet fixed and Linda will be the landlord. Feel free to take notes.”
Gupteh picks up an imaginary phone and makes the “brrrrring” sound.
Linda: “Hello?”
Mr. Teller: “Okay, stop.”
Linda: “What?”
Mr. Teller: “You answered the call.”
Linda: “Oh, sorry.”
Mr. Teller: “It’s okay. I don’t mean to make an example of you, but as a landlord it is your job to avoid the tenants as much as humanly possible — especially when they’re in need. However, for the sake of the exercise, let’s have Gupteh come to the door.”
Gupteh pretends to knock on a door. Linda does nothing.
Mr. Teller: “Oh, sorry. You can answer the door for this, Linda. Good instincts, though.”
Gupteh knocks again. Linda puts down her head, like an actor preparing, and comes up a different person — limping, smoking an imaginary cigarette, and raspy-voiced.
Linda: “What?!”
Gupteh: {as a meek tenant} “Hey Farsha, it’s John from apartment 106.”
Linda: “Who?”
Mr. Teller: “Nice.”
Gupteh: “My toilet started running this morning and I was wondering if you could send someone by to fix it?”
Linda: “Oh, what? It’s my fault you got massive b.m.’s?”
Mr. Teller: “Excellent. Always blame the tenants.”
Gupteh: “I can call the plumber if you want. Would you be able to give me his number?”
Linda: “I gave it to you already.”
Mr. Teller: “Did you?”
Linda shakes her head no.
Mr. Teller: “Good, Linda.”
Gupteh: “Would you mind giving it to me again?”
Linda: “Check your paperwork, James.”
Gupteh: “Linda, if you don’t give me the number, I’ll report you.”
Linda stalls. Then looks at Mr. Teller. She’s stuck.
Mr. Teller: “He’s not leaving, Linda. What are you going to do?”
Linda: “Uh…I don’t — I don’t know.”
Mr. Teller: “That’s all right. Stay in character. Here.”
Mr. Teller hands Linda a prop.
Mr. Teller: “Try opening and closing this pocket knife during the conversation.”
She turns back to Gupteh and they resume –
Gupteh: “Well can I have the number, Farsha?”
Linda {using the knife} “I don’t know. Can you?”
Gupteh: “Farsha, please, I will report you.”
Linda: “Yeah?”
Gupteh: “Y-yeah.”
Mr. Teller: “How do you feel, Gupteh?”
Gupteh: “Nervous.”
Mr. Teller: “Be more specific. What do you want to do?”
Gupteh: “I want to…”
Mr. Teller: “What?”
Gupteh: “I just want to leave.”
Mr. Teller: “Good. Take a seat.”
The class applauds.
Mr. Teller: “The potentially violent landlord. Not for everyone, but Linda did a very nice job. Any questions?”
A random STUDENT raises his hand.
Student: “Is it ever okay to assault a tenant other than verbally?”
Mr. Teller: {smiles} “I am gonna love this class.”
FADE OUT.
