NOTE: My friend Adam Reich came up with this concept in film school and asked me to write a draft as a fake trailer. He later re-wrote it as a short film that I’ve heard is excellent. Still, because I enjoyed my version, too, I thought it was worth posting this week.
Happy Hanukkah.
* * *
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Rain pours down into a puddle of water.
Doctor (V.O.): “Mr. Lekter, I heard you were the victim of a hate crime last week.”
Lechter (V.O.): “Last week? Try the last three thousand years.”
The water mixes with blood, turning red.
Lechter (V.O.): “And it’s not ‘Lekter.’”
A MATZO BALL splashes into the center of the puddle and –
HERSCHEL LECHTER (30s, payos) stares right at us, blood dripping from his long beard…
Lechter (V.O.): {making it sound more Jewish} “It’s Lechter.”
LIGHTING.
CUT TO BLACK.
INT. SYNAGOGUE – DAY
Lechter (V.O.): “I had finished my rabbinical tests a little early; so, I decided to give my famous Holocaust lecture…”
Lechter writes, “APOLOGIES SCHMOLOGIES” on a blackboard.
Lechter: “The way to rid evil in the world is to first rid evil in ourselves.”
INT. STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB – LATER
Lechter (V.O.): “Afterwards, I went to see my brother, Schlomo, perform.”
SCHLOMO (late 20s) stands on stage, speaking into the microphone.
Schlomo: “I think I have anti-Semitic turrets. I was playing board games with some Jews. I rolled five threes and yelled, ‘Nazi!’ I mean, ‘Hitler! Santa Claus! Mel Gibson! Sales tax! Happiness!!!’” {hits himself in the mouth to stop talking} “Ow…schwitz.”
The audience ROARS. Lechter looks perturbed.
Lechter (V.O.): “And I met his shiksa girlfriend.”
LATER
Schlomo sits by Lechter in the audience.
Schlomo: “Watch out, Hersh. This one’s got a rabbi fetish.”
SCHLOMO’S SHIKSA GIRLFRIEND (20s, blonde) suggestively wiggles her tongue at Lechter. Lechter looks disturbed.
EXT. STREET – LATER
Lechter passes a man working a MEAT STAND.
Lechter (V.O.): “It was on my way out, however, …”
Meat Stand Guy: “Fresh meat! Get your fresh meat right here.” {to Lechter} “What can I get you, my man?”
Lechter: “No meat for me, thanks. We Orthodox Jews keep kosher.”
Meat Stand Guy: “Whatever, cheapskate.”
SKINHEADS drive by in a car with a CONFEDERATE FLAG on it. One yells –
Skinhead: “Hey Jew bag: go back to Palestine!”
– and HURLS a rock. It hits Lechter right between the eyes.
QUICK FLASH FRAMES: Lechter spasming. His BRAIN changing…
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Lechter stares at his MRI brain scan. A DOCTOR explains –
Doctor: “You’ve suffered severe damage to the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and judgment.”
Lechter sits back, taking this in.
EXT. HOME – DAY
Lechter tries to hang the Mezuzah on his door.
Doctor (V.O.): “Any number of results may occur: increased irritability…”
It falls off. Lechter shudders with frustration.
INT. STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
Schlomo performs.
Doctor (V.O.): “…a decrease in the ability to understand certain types of humor…”
Lechter’s the only one in the audience not laughing.
Doctor (V.O.): “…an increase in sexual urges…”
Again, the shiksa girlfriend licks her lips suggestively.
Doctor (V.O.): “…and, in some rare cases, …”
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – SAME
Doctor: “…cannibalism.”
CUT TO BLACK.
INT. HOME – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Schlomo’s shiksa girlfriend exposes herself to Lechter, removing her panties.
Shiksa: “Eat me, Rabbi.”
His eyes widen. He doesn’t see breasts; he sees BAGELS.
He opens his mouth — and he LUNGES at her.
QUICK SHOTS of CARNAGE.
Blood SPLATTERS on a STAR OF DAVID.
Lechter: {Jewish zombie sounds} “ARGH…HHARGH…HANUKKAH…RGHH…CHHHAALAH BREAD…RGHHH!”
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – LATER
Lechter removes his hands (and some brain chunks) from the dead doctor’s cranium, raising them into the air…and then rolls the chunks of brain into balls, adds matzo meal and eggs, and throws them into a nearby pot of water.
Lechter (V.O.): “Stay kosher, Rabbi. Control yourself.”
MUSIC: “Hava Nagila” in an eerie, MINOR KEY.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
The SKINHEADS harass a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY with payos.
Skinhead: “You know, there’s a soda named after you.”
Seven-year-old boy: “Mordechai soda?”
Skinhead: “Squirt!”
They try to SLAM his head into a wall, but a HAND stops them.
Lechter pierces them with his blood red eyes –
Skinhead: “I-I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to –”
Lechter: “Apologies schmologies.”
– and opens his salivating mouth.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Lechter pays a VALET.
Lechter (V.O.): “Their snide remarks.”
Valet: “What’re you, ripping me off?”
Lechter turns around, and RIPS OFF the man’s arm. The Valet SCREAMS.
EXT. MCDONALD’S – DAY
Lechter spots another RABBI eating a Big Mac — meat AND cheese.
Lechter (V.O.): “Their hypocrisy.”
Then he drinks MILK. Lechter SALIVATES.
EXT. ANY ESTABLISHMENT – NIGHT
Lechter passes an EMPLOYEE at the door.
Lechter (V.O.): “Their ignorance.”
Lechter: “Shalom.”
Employee: “Bless you.”
Lechter turns his head around.
EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
Lechter (V.O.): “Their blatant prejudice.”
A LITTLE GIRL SCOUT in a Santa cap says –
Girl Scout: “Merry Christmas!”
Lechter: {looking vicious} “And…?”
Girl Scout: “…and a Happy New Year?”
Lechter SALIVATES.
INT. STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
Lechter watches Schlomo, slams down a MENORAH for emphasis.
Lechter: “Judaism is NOT a punch line!!!”
He lunges at Schlomo.
CUT TO:
Lechter stands over SCHLOMO’S DEAD BODY. Remorseful.
Lechter (V.O.): “I fear I have lost control.”
CUT TO BLACK.
INT. SYNAGOGUE – NIGHT
Herschel removes his yalmuka, looking up at the iconography.
Lechter (V.O.): “I have killed the ones I love. God knows I have sinned against Him.”
CUT TO BLACK.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Lechter examines himself in a mirror.
Lechter (V.O.): “There is only one way to stop this. I must first rid evil in myself.”
FLASH FRAMES of previous CARNAGE build in intensity to –
Lechter devouring his own flesh.
CUT TO BLACK.
SILENCE. Then –
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Two COPS pull back a sheet, revealing the MEAT STAND MAN’s dead body.
Thin Cop: {covering his nose} “Jesus Christ.”
Fat Cop: “Nothing like the smell of decomposition.”
Thin Cop: “No. Worse.” {revealing food} “Gefilte fish.”
With another FLASH of LIGHTING, LECHTER appears behind them.
TITLE SCREEN: THE RABBINICAL
FADE TO BLACK.
