Monthly Archives: September 2011

I always imagine that The Bible was written like wikipedia — like there was a big group of guys trying to create this incredible moral document, and then one mentally challenged kid messing it up for everybody.  Just adding in crazy shit like –

Mentally challenged kid: “I put in unicorns!!!”
Writer: “What?!  No, we’re writing the part about not killing anyone.  Why would you put in unicorns?”
Mentally challenged kid: “Also, I made God angry.”
Writer: “No.  No no no.  Don’t do that.  We said, ‘God is love.’  You’re contradicting the book.”
Mentally challenged kid: “And I said that gay people are bad and they should be punished.”
Writer: {pause, then} “Well, yeah, we all agreed on that.”

* * *

Whether you’re religious or not, though, you have to admit that someone needs to update that book for our generation — and I’m not talking, like, “Jesus loves you.  Lol.  .”

Add some commandments, like –

– Thou shalt not use Craiglist for skeezy purposes.

Hell, they don’t even need to be that definitive.  We could just add, like, the ten suggestions –

– Thou probably shouldn’t say the word “cunt” around women, regardless of the context.

* * *

And/or: come out with different versions of The Bible for different locations.  For example, the L.A. Bible could have commandments like –

– Thou shalt not commit adultery…except on the casting couch.
– Honor thy agent.
– Thou shalt not steal…any screenplay ideas.

* * *

And by the way, I’ll admit, I’m a total hypocrite when it comes to religion.  I try to put on this intellectual image, like –

Josh: {condescending, elitist tone} “Oh, yes, there’s a magic man in the sky and he cares about me and everyone else.  Yeah, umm…how is that possible if there’s no one down here who cares about me?”

Then I smile at the girl I’m talking to and think –

Josh: “Please, God, let her have sex with me.”

‘Cause there’s always a part of me that hopes — and what is hope, really, but a more positive version of fear?  (That’s not really a joke, I guess, but it’s true.)

* * *

If there is a God, I certainly feel for the guy/gal.  I just imagine this Woody Allen type of God sitting at his computer in a sweater vest, overwhelmed by all of these prayers coming in via IM, like –

God: {Woody Allen voice} “He wants world peace, but she want a pony.  Well, the pony’s easier; so, let me just — shit!  I just caused an earthquake.  Oh my gosh.  I just killed 90 people and — and someone’s praying to lose weight?  And her ex is praying she gets fatter?!  I don’t know what to do here!  And who prays for a football team?!  You’re not even on it!  Damnit, Josh, stop praying for blow jobs!!!” {uses his inhaler}

That’s why I think it’s a better idea to pray to someone like the Notorious B.I.G.  Surely the man has more time on his hands, and I’m sure he would get shit done.  I’m like –

Josh: “Yo!  Hey, Biggie, you up there?”
Biggie: “’Course I am, cracker.”
Josh: “Well I’m doing pretty badly financially right now.  You think you could help me out?”
Biggie: “Yo, mo’ money, mo problems.”
Josh: “Right.” {then} “Although I would argue no money, even more problems.”
Biggie: “True dat.  I’ll hook you up.”
Josh: “Thanks Big, you my homeboy.”
Biggie: “Don’t do that.”
Josh: “Use your name in vain?”
Biggie: “Talk like a black guy.”
Josh: “Right.”

– There’s a homeless man in Beverly Hills who has a sign that reads, “Kick Me in the Nuts for $10.”  I feel so badly for that guy — because the dude down the street only charges eight.

– You know how Blade was like a vampire, but he only had the strengths and none of the weaknesses?  I’m like a Jew, but with none of the strengths and ALL of the osteoarthritis.

– It disgusts me when these idiot parents put their young children in Hooters T-shirts…because those kids cannot fill them out.

– Tragedy is comedy without time.  Comedy is tragedy when it happens to me.  (At least, that’s what all of my ex-girlfriends say.)

– How come people never claim to have been abducted by aliens only to find out that the aliens were concerned with something benign?  I want to hear about the alien that was like, “We just want to learn more about this macramé.”

– My mom’s dating this loser guy and trying to put a positive spin on it.  She’s like –

Mom: “My man brings his work home with him.”

I’m like –

Josh: “Yeah, ‘cause he works at a bar.” {explaining} “He’s an alcoholic.”

– People on Amazon.com review soap.  I understand the five-star reviews, and I understand the one-star reviews — but the three star reviews?  What propels a person to be like –

Reviewer: “This soap isn’t great and is isn’t horrible.” {with conviction} “I gotta tell everyone!”

– Clubs can be animalistic and shallow, but they certainly bring people together who normally don’t like each other: atheists dry humping Christians, Jews dry humping Palestinians, …Jews dry humping other Jews.

– I was watching this documentary about a third world country where these poor, emaciated children walk around naked.  This girl next to me said –

Girl: “Oh, that’s horrible.”

I said –

Josh: “I know.  Only seven years old and his dick’s still bigger than mine.”

The girl gave me this really weird look, then said –

Girl: “No.  I meant how thin they are.  It makes me feel fat.”

– Sometimes I think God’s just a hacky joke writer.  I can imagine him at an open mic, like –

God: “Yeah, so Jews are the chosen people – chosen for a lotta problems!  Ah?  See what I did there?  All right.  I’ll be here all…eternity.”

I vaguely remember reading some Seinfeld interview where he claimed that approximately 3% of what he writes is any good.  (Oof!)  Keeping that percentage in mind, I created this website to get rid of some writing that I thought fell into the category of the other 97%.  Still, having received a positive response from many of these, I am honoring Seinfeld’s percentage and posting my top six entries so far (3% of the now 200 posts) with a few extra recommendations each.

Thank you all for reading, whether you’re one of my maybe three or four followers or whether you’re someone who stumbled upon this website while googling porn.  Either way, I appreciate the eyeballs and hope that I have made this website, at the very least, entertaining.

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1. “My First Time”

The highest rated post on here, this is the story of how I lost my virginity.

For more stories regarding my romantic difficulties, see: “A Confession from My Mormon Girlfriend,” “My First Hickey,” and “Why I Never Go to Strip Clubs”

2. “Your Horoscope”

A post that illuminates what I mean when I describe my sense of humor as “depressing” (which, by the way, is a HUGE turn-on for women).

For more random favorites, see: “Ah, Exploitative Television,” “Audrey’s Ashes,” “Driving,” “Health, Diet, and Exercise,” “Jew,” “Josh Goes Hunting,” “Josh Goes to the Gay Pride Event,” “My Mother, Spirituality, Depression, and Me,” “Presents,” “She Looks Pretty Good…,” “She Must Have Just Talked Your Ears Off,” “Survivor Night,” “Take 10 mg of Fly, then 15 mg of Spider,” and “‘We’ a.k.a. ‘BIRGing’ and ‘CORFing’”

3. “The Time I Applied to Work for 50 Cent”

The entertainment industry is not, I have found, as terrible as it is stereotypically portrayed in movies and TV shows.  This interview was the exception.

For more job-related angst, see: “The Assistant, [Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6],” “Career Tests,” “‘Fun’ Interview Questions,” “The Job Hunt Post-Graduation,” “Q&A,” and “People with Hard Pasts Lead Easier Lives”

4. “Kaiser Permanente Visit — 7/9/2010”

I have a depressingly large number of Kaiser Permanente horror stories.  I wrote up this one because it included many of my usual complaints — tactless medical providers, disorganization, and the fact that the optometry department is located between a McDonald’s and a Taco Bell.

For more Kaiser Permanente humor, see: “Another Embarrassing Story about My Genitals”

5. “Waiting in the Woods”

I have posted a few videos up here, but the first fake ad I wrote is probably my favorite.

For other videos, see: “Game Night,” “Josh Lehrman at The Comedy Store — 5.4.11,” and “Josh Lehrman at The Comedy Store — 8.3.11”

6. “Living Situation, Part 2 — Living With Grammy”

This may not be the most polished entry of mine, but it contains a lot of heart…and what many of my stand-up friends consider to be one of my best (and most under-appreciated) jokes.  As I found in the club scene, unfortunately, Kafka jokes don’t usually kill.

For part one and part three in this epic roommate trilogy, see: “Living Situation, Part 1 — College Roommates” and “Living Situation, Part 3 — Living in an Apartment Post-Grandmother”

* * *

EDUCATIONAL RESOURCE –

For those who do not enjoy writing, there is content for websites available for free from Article Writing Services.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – DAY

A group of kids stand on a large stage.  JOSH (9, meek) steps up to the MICROPHONE, sweating under the bright white lights.

A PROCTOR (40s) looks up from his piece of paper.

Proctor: “Your word is ‘humiliation.’” {to the ADULT beside him} “This could be traumatizing.”
Josh: “Hu-hu-hu-humiliation. H-U-M-I-L-I-A-S-H-I-O-N. Humuliation?”

BUZZ!

Josh: “Aw, Christ.”

Josh walks…

BACKSTAGE

…where several kids laugh at him.  This is STEVE (9, exuding cockiness despite his nerdy appearance) and his equally nerdy CRONIES.

Steve: “Humiliation, huh?  Can you also spell ‘irony?’”
Crony 1: “Good one, Steve!”
Crony 2: “High fives all around.”

They all high-five each other.

Steve: “Would you like me to use the word in a sentence?  Josh just got served a plate of — OH MY GOD YOU’RE STUPID!!”

The cronies high-five again.

Josh: “That didn’t even make sense.” {on the verge of tears} “I hate you guys!”

The PRINCIPAL (mid-40s, balding) walks up to the four of them.

Principal: “Josh!  Apologize to Steve.”
Josh: “But Principal Peters, I didn’t do anything.”
Principal: “That’s it.  I’m calling your parents.  You know, Josh, sometimes I think your name should be Tom, because you’re always involved in some sort of tomfoolery.” {then, putting out his palm to Steve and his cronies} “Gimme some!”

Steve and the cronies reluctantly slap him five.

Josh: {to no one in particular} “One day.  One day I’ll get out of this hellhole.  I’ll show ‘em.  I’m gonna be somebody.”

INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY

TEXT: 20 YEARS LATER…

A TEACHER (about 29 years-old) writes –

“JOSH LEHRMAN”

– on the board.  Then he adds –

“…is the name of our janitor.”

FADE OUT.

Anytime something goes even slightly wrong for me, my mind jumps to suicide. For example –

• If I pitch a bad joke at work, I worry that I’ll get fired.
• If I do get fired, my bad reputation will prevent me from ever being able to get another job.
• If I’m not able to get another job, my writing career won’t work out.
• If my writing career doesn’t work out, I’ll never be able to keep a girlfriend.
• If I can’t keep a girlfriend, there’s nothing to live for.
• If there’s nothing to live for, I should probably kill myself.

∴ Thus, if I pitch a bad joke at work, I should probably kill myself.

* * *

I’d produce the most ridiculous suicide note.  It’d be like –

Dear Family and Friends,

I’m sorry, but I decided to kill myself because I passed gas in public.

- Josh

I don’t understand how people can watch golf.  It’s not even comparable to watching paint dry – because with golf, there’s nothing to sniff.

However, I would watch golf on one condition: at the end of the hole, there would have to be a miniature golf course obstacle.

Announcer 1: “Oooh, a nice shot onto the green, but I don’t think he’s going to be able to get it up that three-inch hill.”
Announcer 2: “Yeah, Bill is known for taking at least six shots on that thing.”

Wouldn’t that be so much more fun?

Announcer 1: “Tiger Woods getting frustrated with that windmill.”
Announcer 2: “He just cannot seem to time his shots.”
Announcer 1: “He better watch out or that ball will end up in Cowboy Creek again.”

* * *

I also love to watch eating competitions — just to see the guy who comes in second.  ‘Cause the guy who wins first is like –

First-place guy: “Yeah-heah!  Whoo!  I did it!”

The guy who wins second is like –

Second-place guy: {looking at his huge stomach} “Ah God, I hate myself.” {then} “At least if I were ninetieth, I would have gotten a free meal out of this, but second?!”

* * *

Actually, I’d watch any sport so long as at least one team’s name actually reflected the players.  I’d love to see the Lakers take on actual wizards or hornets or magic.

Announcer: “Kobe has the ball and — oh!  Those bulls just seared him right through the torso!!”