Monthly Archives: July 2011

I don’t like competition — because someone always loses, and it’s always me.

I especially don’t believe in childhood competition because it gives kids the false impression that, when they grow up, they can win — because grown up winning is still generally losing.

Person: {excited} “Oh, I got the job!”

…becomes…

Person: {disappointed} “Crap.  I have to go to work.”

– or –

Person: {excited} “I’m older; I get to do so much more stuff.”

…becomes…

Person: {disappointed} “I’m older; I have to do so much more shit!”

– or –

Person: {excited} “God damn!  I’m getting married.”

…becomes…

Person: {disappointed} “Goddamnit!  I’m getting married…”

I don’t know if this is at all relatable, but do you ever try to avoid admitting some embarrassing truth and come up with an impromptu lie that’s actually way worse?

Example: if someone offers me alcohol, I avoid sounding like a dieting female by not saying, “I don’t want the empty calories.”  Instead, I say –

Josh: “No thanks.  My parents were both violent alcoholics.”

And then my mom’s standing right there.  Person’s like –

Person: “Is that true, Mrs. Lehrman?”
My mom: “No.”
Josh: “She wouldn’t remember.”

I do this all the time.

Person: “What’d you do this weekend, Josh?”

I don’t want to sound like a loser and say, “Temporary tattoo party of one,” so I say –

Josh: “Banged a fat chick.”

My boss is like –

Boss: “Josh, why are you late to the meeting?”

I don’t want to sound incompetent and say, “I got lost,” so I say –

Josh: “I tried to get out of the house on time, but I just couldn’t stop……crying.” {Sits down quietly.}

At Coachella 2010, I saw this band called Major Lazer.  The whole time the DJ was like –

Major Lazer DJ: {yelling to the beat} “Here we go now!  Here we go now!  Get your hands up!  Get your hands up!  Jump!  Jump!  Jump!  Jump!  Get louder!  Get louder!  Are you ready?!  Are you ready?!”

I’m like –

Josh: “Fucking…clearly we’re ready, dude.  We’re all at level 11 and screaming like it’s the nuclear Holocaust.  Just play the Goddamn music.”

Then it became a light show.

Major Lazer DJ: “Lazers in your face!  Lazers in your face!”

I didn’t want to be a square (well, I guess using the phrase “square” inadvertently defines myself), but I couldn’t deal with it.  The minute he started yelling –

Major Lazer DJ: “Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!”

– I took the advice.

I only had to be around that guy for 10 minutes.  Imagine being in a relationship with him.

Major Lazer DJ’s wife: “Honey, I’m pregnant.”
Major Lazer DJ: “You’re pregnant!  You’re pregnant!  Get your hands up!  Get your hands up!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  To the clinic!  Get an abortion!”

Baby’s born, it’s like –

Doctor: “I’m afraid there’s something wrong with your baby.”
Major Lazer DJ’s wife: “What is it, doctor?”
Doctor: “Feel its pulse.”
{She does.  Hears: “Mm-pa-pa-mm-psa.  Mm-pa-pa-mm-psa.”}

The baby starts shooting lasers out of its eyes…

Major Lazer DJ’s wife: “Honey, come quick.  Minor Lazer said his first words.  Listen.”
Baby: “Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!”

You know who’s really helpful after a break-up?

No one.

When my first girlfriend broke up with me, my mom came into my room at night to console me with sentimental poetry.  She was like –

Mom: {reading from a book} “I am not there.  I did not die.”
Josh: “But, Mom, she didn’t die.”
Mom: “Exactly.”
Josh: “Okay, this is the opposite of helpful.”

My male friends aren’t much better.  I told a friend of mine that my last relationship just ended.  He was like –

Friend: “Don’t worry about her, man.  I gave that bitch AIDS.” {then} “Ha ha…I’m just kidding, bro.  …Herpes.”

I don’t expect someone to sit down with me and have a ninety-minute conversation in which he or she enumerates the few specific incompatibilities that likely lead to the relationship’s demise; I just hate when people are so cut and dry about it.

Guy: “Dude, she was a bitch.”
Girl: “Girlfriend, he was a dick.”

It’s like –

Girl who got dumped: “But Candace, he was special.  He opened up to me about his childhood, he taught me how to play guitar, he was my first, he came to my father’s funeral.”
Candace: “Dick.”

My mother is a very intelligent, reliable, and kind human being.  She is one of my best friends and one of the most well rounded human beings I know.  Having said that, here are some of the things she has said when drunk, in order of increasing hilarity –

10. Mom: {to me} “You look better with less beard, Josh.  Like less of a rapist.”
Josh: {joking} “Thanks a lot.  You wanna take a picture?”
Mom: “You don’t look that good.”

9. Mom: “Just you wait.  One day you’re gonna get in a relationship and you’re gonna be a screw-up, too.  You think you’ll be so logical and whatever now, but you won’t.  People in relationships are idiots.  They do stupid things and get desperate — and when you do those stupid things, I’ll be there to laugh at you, going, ‘See?  You see?  You’re acting like an idiot, too.’”

8. Mom: “The spirit world told me to cheat on my boyfriend.”

7. Josh: “Mom, c’mon.  Take the money out [of the slot machine] and let’s go home.”
Mom: “No.”
Josh: “Please?  I’m tired.  I wanna go to sleep.”
Mom: “Oh, it’s only 12:30 a.m.  Don’t be a wussy.”
Josh: “Mom, for Christ’s sake, just take it out.”
Mom: “My life is more fun than yours.”
Josh: “I’m not debating that.  Just…here.”
{Josh presses the COLLECT button on the slot machine and the ticket comes out.}
Mom: {to me} “Kill joy bum hole piece of poop face.”

6. Mom: “Fuck you, [name of boyfriend].  I’m an heiress.  You’re lucky to have me.  Fuck you and your little penis.”

5. Josh: “Mom, you really shouldn’t drink any more after this.”
Mom: When did you become so moral?”
Josh: “From watching a lot of didactic movies with positive moral messages.”
Mom: “It’s irritating.  And I’ve only had two drinks, for God’s sake!”
Josh: “Yes, but I can already see the twinkle in your eyes of bibulousness taking hold.”
Mom: “Bibulousness?!  Oh, don’t try to pretend like you’re intelligent.” {then} “Wait a minute.  What do you mean ‘movies?’  I’ve raised you by myself for the last ten years.  You learned from my example.  I am the epitome of morals.” {She takes a big swig of alcohol while hitting the “Bet Max” button on the slot machine.}

4. Mom: {re: my gay roommate} “Oh, come on, liberal man.  Doesn’t it bother you more that two guys are having sex next door rather than a guy and a girl?”
Josh: “No.  Why would it?”
Mom: “Because you can imagine what’s going on more easily.”
Josh: “That’s not true at all.”
Mom: “What if they give ongoing commentary, like, ‘Oh, your balls taste so scrumptious in my mouth…?’”

3. (NOTE: during a family trip to Australia, my mom became obsessed with the word “didgeridoo.”)

Josh: “Mom, do you want to go see the botanical gardens?”
Mom: “I didgeri-don’t.”
Josh: “There isn’t much else to do here.  Are you sure?”
Mom: “I’d rather watch a kangaroo didgeri-doo-doo.”

2. Josh: {to my grandparents on their 58^th anniversary} “What’s your secret?”
Mom: “There is no secret.  She’s a ballbuster and he’s passive.” {OFF her parents’ reprimanding looks} “You can give me that look all you want; you know it’s true.  Isn’t that right, Dad?”
{He looks at his wife for the answer.}
Mom: “I rest my case.”

1. Mom: “Have you had sex?”
Josh: “No.”
Mom: “Get on it!  I’d been doing it for a good four years already when I was your age.”
Josh: “I haven’t found the right person.”
Mom: “Oh, who cares?  You’re 21, for God’s sake.  At this point, you should just do it with anybody.”
Josh: “Jesus.”
Mom: “What?  Why not?  It’ll reduce your anxiety and clear up your skin.  Besides, it’s free.”
Josh: “Free?”
Mom: “’Cause you’re cheap.”
Josh: “Ugh.”

* * *

Mom: {to me} “What’re you doing?”
Josh: {typing on my phone} “I’m writing notes.”
Mom: “What kind of notes?  ‘Don’t be around my mother again?’”

– I just started the social media thing and I’m a little confused.  Do you guys know how I can connect my Twitter updates to a megaphone?

– I have this amazing ability to be unimpressed by everything.  My ex-girlfriend took me to the Grand Canyon once.  I was like, “Mmm…maybe Good Canyon.”

– When Strom Thurmond changed his mind about segregation, did they call him a “flip-flopper?”  I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.  “Flip-flopping,” I mean — not segregation.  Ten years ago, I was pro-paying for girls’ drinks I didn’t know at a bar.  Now I know that’s a waste of time.  That was a good flip-flop.

– Facebook has ruined high school reunions.  By the time you see old classmates in person, you’ve already been stalking them for years.  It’s like –

High school girl: “I just took a trip to Egypt and I got married and I’m in real estate.”
Josh: “I know.”

– I am the person I dreamed of being as a kid — because I had low expectations.

You think that’s sad?  That’s not sad.  Sad is people on “American Idol” who mistakenly think they can sing, going –

“American Idol” contestant: “Whatever.  Fuck those judges!  I’m a diva.”

– You know you’re bored when you’re spending your Friday nights writing another outdated parody sketch called The Bourne Again Identity.  Jason Bourne grabs a priest, like, “Just tell me which God to believe in!!!”

– I don’t like when people shorten words — because I’m the idiot that doesn’t get it.  My friend just told me –

Friend: “I was in this speech competition, but I got DQ’d.”

– and my first thought was –

Josh: “You got Dairy Queened?”

(The same guy, by the way, says “caf” instead of “café.”  Kind of a very different meaning when you tell someone you’re going to get a drink from a “calf.”)

– I’m in a relationship now.  Just when you think the universe won’t provide someone who understands you, you turn out to be right.

– A friend of mine said that, when he’s lonely, he likes to act out the last act of Oedipus Rex with his dong, like –

Jocasta/Penis: “Gotcha, bitch.  I’m your mother.”
Oedipus/Penis: “Oh no!”

I thought that was strange as hell.  I mean, acting out classic novels with your dick?  Seems like you’d want to start with Rhoald Dahl’s The Big Friendly Giant.

– You know you’re drunk when you can’t remember the lyrics to the chorus of “Y.M.C.A.”  …and you’re unintentionally urinating on your friend’s backseat.  That’s another tell-tale sign.  God, and the seats were leather.  I’m so sorry, Joel.