Monthly Archives: January 2011

When I first started doing stand-up, someone told me that my act was too cerebral — that it needed more dick and fart humor; so, two hours before a show, I wrote this –

* * *

I’m afraid we’re going to elect a dick president.  Not a guy named “Dick,” not a jerk, and not Ralph Nader — but an actual penis.

Think about it: there’s that little place on the ballot where we can just write in whatever the hell we want.  What if all these jaded voters were to go to the voting booth, and stare at the options, like –

Voter: “Really?  These guys?  My genitals could run this country better.”

And before you know it, we’d inaugurate President Penis…and he’d instantly start an unnecessary war.  We’d beg –

Us: “President Penis, why won’t you pull out?”
President Penis: “I’m a dick — not a pussy.”

And what could we do?  We couldn’t impeach the schlong because who’d run the country?  His vice-president, testicles?  The Speaker of the House, pubic hair?  His secretary of defense, Sarah Palin?

Eventually, we’d see the error of our ways.  Sitting in front of the TV, we’d say –

Us: “Damnit. We elected another prick.” {then} “…at least he’s better than Bush.”

My grandmother likes to tell me how I’m feeling.  Out of nowhere, she’ll say –

Grandmother: “Why are you so angry?”
Josh: “I’m not angry.”
Grandmother: “What’s making you so angry?”
Josh: “No.  I’m not – I just told you, I’m not angry.”
Grandmother: “Oh.” {then} “Can I do anything to make you less angry?”
Josh: “I’m not –” {deep breaths}

* * *

She can’t hear me — but she won’t wear her hearing aids.  It’s ridiculous.  She’s like –

Grandmother: “People get pissed off when old folks wear hearing aids.”

I’m like –

Josh: “Uh…I feel like people get pissed off when they don’t.”
Grandmother: “What’s that?”
Josh: “I said I feel like people — you know what?  You’re proving my point.”

* * *

It doesn’t bother me that I have to repeat myself.  Well, that’s not true — especially when it comes to repeating sympathetic responses.  It’s like –

Grandmother: “My friend slipped in a puddle and broke her hip.”
Josh: {genuine} “Oh Jesus.”
Grandmother: “What was that?”
Josh: {less genuine} “I said, ‘Oh Jesus.’”
Grandmother: “What?”
Josh: {even less genuine} “Oh Jesus.”
Grandmother: “Yeah…” {then} “No, I’m sorry.  I still didn’t hear you.”
Josh: {angry} “‘Oh Jesus,’ I said.  That was a horrible thing to happen.  That’s all.  Let’s move on.”

But what’s worse is that {exaggerated facial gestures and articulation} I have to talk to her like this…because she can read lips.

Also she can’t hear higher pitches, so when {exaggerated speaking} this doesn’t suffice, I also have to talk in this really low voice.

I’m so used to this, now I’m doing it when she’s not around.  Going to a job interview, like –

Interviewer: “So, Josh, why would you be a good applicant for teaching these mentally-handicapped children?”
Josh: {exaggerated speaking in low voice} “Well, I certainly wouldn’t condescend to them…or make fun of the way they look or speak.”

* * *

The other thing my grandmother does is she’ll fill in what she doesn’t hear.  For example –

Grandmother: “Josh, do you think you could drive me to the dealership?”
Josh: “Of course.”
Grandmother: “You think I’m an asshole?”
Josh: “I didn’t say that.”
Grandmother: “You’re hungry?”
Josh: “No, I — can you please put your hearing aids in?”
Grandmother; “Josh is hungry, Lennie.  Let’s go eat.”
Josh: “No, you’re not –” {deep voice}  “Can you look at my lips please?”
Grandmother: “Oh…why are you angry at your Grammy?”
Josh: “I’m not –” {deeper breaths}

It’s usually negative, what she says.  The go-to line lately has been –

Grandmother: “Who has cancer?”

– which rarely makes sense.  Maybe if I say “dancer” or “can-can” or something, but she hears “cancer” at the most ridiculous times.  She just got her wedding vows renewed.  The rabbi was like –

Rabbi: “Do you take this man, again?”
Grandmother: “You think I should kill myself?”
Rabbi: “What?  No.  I didn’t say that.”
Grandmother: “Is he making fun of my face?”
Rabbi: “I just want to know if you’d like to renew your vows.”
Grandmother: “Oh.”  {pause}  “Who has cancer?”

* * *

My grandfather loves this.  As long as he smiles while he speaks, he can finally get away with saying whatever he wants.  He’s like –

Grandfather: “Pat, you’re a selfish cunt.”

She’s like –

Grandmother: “I love you too, Lennie.”

* * *

I don’t bother arguing about it anymore, because she says she doesn’t want to look old — and clearly she believes that that missing what everyone says doesn’t do that.

That logic is bizarre.  It’s like if she were an amputee and someone offered her a prosthetic leg, she’d say –

Grandmother: “I’m not gonna use this.  It’ll make people aware that I need it.  It’ll be much less embarrassing and uncomfortable if I just expose my grotesquely deformed stump.”

I’m like –

Josh: “That’s totally fine, but do you see why that doesn’t make sense?”
Grandmother: “Oh, why are you so angry?”
Josh: {angry} “I’m not FUCKING angry!!!”

I’m a flexitarian, which means that I generally follow a vegetarian diet, but will still eat meat occasionally.  So basically, I’m a vegetarian until I really want a hamburger.

(Man, that’s stupid.)

I have a reason for trying to cut back, though.  I’m not one of these L.A. women masking an eating disorder like –

L.A. woman: {to a waiter} “Yeah, can I get a chicken Caesar salad — no chicken…and no lettuce?  Oh, and no Caesar.  I’m on a strict ‘no Romans’ cleanse.”

No.  It’s a moral thing.  What did a chicken ever do to me?  I’d rather eat a sandwich made from my 7^th grade P.E. teacher.

But it’s hard — because if a woman decides to cut back on meat, she’s “health conscious,” but if a guy decides to cut back on meat, he’s “a fag.”  (And I’m sorry.  I hate that word, by the way.  “Conscious.”)

Kidding!

But people give me these looks in restaurants, and I feel pressured to come up with an excuse.  I’m like –

Josh: {to a waiter} “Can I please get the veggies o’ plenty sandwich?”  {look around at the other people at the table} “When I was young, a cow saved my mom’s life.” {pause} “…and my dad used to beat me with strips of bacon…”  {pause} “…and I was raped by a free range chicken.  I don’t know.  What do you want from me?!”

* * *

I have a few female friends who became vegan, and they told me that their skin cleared up, they have more energy, and they feel more entitled to moments of self-righteousness.  I’m like –

Josh: “Positive, positive, irritating…but positive.”

But even they’re not supportive of my trying to eat less meat.  They’re like –

Female vegan friend: “Josh, I gotta be honest.  When a guy orders a vegetarian sandwich, he comes off as sort of…weak.”

“Comes off?”  I AM weak.  Ordering a hamburger isn’t going to make me appear muscular.

And they’re not alone in not supporting me.  There’s a stigma to male vegetarianism or veganism because people associate it with hyperliberalism.  It’s hippy-ish — and who likes hippies?  Nobody.  I don’t even think hippies like hippies.  They’ve gotta wake up in the morning and think –

Hippie: “Dude, we should at least shower.  And I understand this peace and love stuff, but c’mon.  I think we’re just coming off like out-of-touch, delusional fags.” {then} “And I hate that word, by the way.  ‘Shower.’”

* * *

But let’s be honest: “flexitarian?”  That’s a cop-out, pat-yourself-on-the-back-for-no-reason title.

I can’t do it.  I feel badly for thinking that I’m eating a talking animal from a Disney movie that just wanted to leave the farm to pursue a career in singing or comedy or acrobatics, but I don’t have the will power.  If I really tried to be a vegan, I’d relapse.  Run back to my vegan friends in tears, like –

Josh: “I put the sausage in my mouth, but I didn’t swallow!  I swear.”

And to my knowledge, they don’t have a Nicorette patch for vegans — something that shoots rib eye into your body every so often.

But at least can people stop giving me this “you’re gay” shit for trying?  I don’t see how it’s any less gay for a carnivore to say, “Well I could never be a vegan.  I just couldn’t live without meat in my mouth.”

There’s an old joke that goes something like this –

“A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office completely naked.  The psychiatrist says, ‘I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your/you’re nuts.’”

I saw that joke show up in a movie recently — a movie that played internationally.  How can that possibly translate into other languages?  I’m pretty sure all foreigners will hear is –

“A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office completely naked.  The psychiatrist says, ‘I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your testicles.’”

No wonder they think we’re idiots.

– I saw a lot of African-Americans coming out of Black Swan looking disappointed.  They must have thought it was an ethnic animated film.

– One day someone is going to dig a hole through the Earth and be very disappointed when they come up in Japan.

– Do you ever just get to the point where you’ve boogie-oogie-oogied until you just couldn’t boogie no more?  Me neither.

– I feel like nobody celebrates Hanukkah.  But I guess that’s because Jews don’t celebrate anything.

– You know you’re doing badly when lyrics to Linkin Park songs start to make sense.

– Whoever said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is dead by now.  That means there was at least one thing that did not make him stronger.  (In fact, it was Nietzsche.  …and in his case, I believe it was syphilis.)

– I’d like to do self-deprecating humor; I’m just not good at it.

– Anytime I’m in an argument and someone says, “Honestly, Josh, I just feel sorry for you,” what they mean is, “Honestly, Josh, I hate you.”

– “Actually” is the worst word in the English language because it just lets you know how little people think of you.  My mom was like –

Susan: “I read your script, Josh.  It was actually funny.”
Josh: “Actually?  Does you not think I can do this?  Thanks for the confidence boost.”

– I just had this conversation with my friend, Brian –

Josh: “I read an article about a high school kid who went on facebook, pretended to be a girl, and got guys on the sports team to send him nude pictures of themselves.  Then the kid blackmailed them, saying either they would have sex with him or he would pass around the naked pictures to the whole school.”
Brian: “Wow.  …That’s a good idea.”

– I want to be brilliant.  I want to say simple sentences that make people weep.  I want my presence alone to inspire reverence and change…and when all of that happens, I wanna be modest.

I’m so negative.  I would be the worst person to write horoscopes.  I’d be like –

– Aries: practice makes perfect, and this month is a good time to try to perfect something other than being an asshole.

– Taurus: you have the same astrological sign as Hitler, Chow Yun-Fat, and Enya.  You really still believe in this stuff?

– Gemini: a big financial window is opening up for you this month.  Oh, wait.  No.  That’s Aries.  You…should probably stay indoors.

– Cancer: your sign is particularly special this month because it is named for what you will be on society.

– Leo: today, share your skills with those around you.  Except you, Dan Wallerstein.  You don’t have any.  And no, that thing you do with your tongue isn’t a trick; it just repels everyone.

– Virgo: this month may begin the spark of your love life.  And you know what they say about sparks?  They turn into fire…and smoke…and you suffocate…and the fire consumes your house…and you die.

– Libra: this month, you may find value in what co-workers have to tell you.  Or not.  Maybe they’re full of shit like everyone else.

– Scorpio: if you don’t accomplish what you want to accomplish this month, that’s okay.  Perhaps you were put on this earth to make the only slightly more successful people feel better about themselves.

– Sagittarius: you know that phrase ‘good things come to those who wait?’  Maybe wait until next month.

– Capricorn: fear of success is the number one reason for failure.  This month, congratulate yourself on being an outlier — because fear won’t be the problem.

– Aquarius: Awareness of a problem is the first step to fixing it.  This month, realize that you’re too damn sensitive.  There.  Someone had to say it.

– Pisces: suck it.  Just suck it.  Everyone knows you Pisces are the most God damn difficult people on this earth.