Monthly Archives: December 2010

This was the year my roommate decided to get his life on track…just like he decided he would do last year.  January 1st, he was like –

Roommate: “Ok.  Here we go.  Monster.com.  Upload that resume, a little cover letter action…”

Two weeks into January –

Roommate: “Look at all of these video games I never beat.  I should finish these off posthaste.”  {then}  “February.  February 1, 2010, I will begin my life anew.”

Eight days into February –

Roommate: “This ‘F My Life’ website is hilarious.  I should read it obsessively.”  {then}  “Monday.  Starting this Monday, I will attend more networking events, I will start meeting more people, and I…own all nineteen seasons of The Simpsons?  Marathon!!!”

Then it became –

Roommate: “Autumnal equinox.  Starting this equinox…”

– and devolved even further into –

Roommate: “Daylight savings time.  Beginning at Daylight saving’s time, I will –” {noticing}  “Oh!  Look at all this stuff on eBay!” {then} “Five ‘clock.  Starting today at five o’clock today, I will…aw fuck it.  2011.  That’ll be my year, baby!”

* * *

EDUCATIONAL RESOURCE –

People who love playing video games may enjoy attending video game design colleges.

The problem with having standards is that the people who meet yours usually have standards that exceed you.

* * *

See, normally I have really high standards when it comes to women, but I’ve been single for too long, and now I find myself justifying.

For example — and yes, this routine is incredibly shallow — I met this girl the other day who had no nostrils.  I don’t mean small nostrils; I mean, ZERO nostrils.  Nose was there; no holes.

What do I think to myself?

Josh inner voice: “I could get over that.”

I met a girl on a plane who had elf ears.  Honest to God, pointiest ears I’ve seen in my life.

What do I think to myself?

Josh inner voice: “I could get over that.”

I’m not saying that’s bad.  I’m just saying it’s only a matter of time before I’m thinking –

Josh: “She only has half a face?  I could get over that.” {then} “She’s a man?  I could get over that.” {then} “She’s related by blood?” {thinks, then} “Okay, I’ll draw the line there, but only because my family isn’t very attractive.”

* * *

Having said all of this, I still ask out several of these not-as-desirable women.  I once hit on an obese, bearded woman who had teeth like a chipmunk, a hunchback, and looked like she was born in the Paleolithic era.  She told me –

Paleolithic woman: “I prefer muscular guys.”

I read somewhere that when the average American dies – at age 65 – he or she will have spent 9 full years of his or her life watching television.

That really worried me, because I started to think about the frequency of other things I do in relationship to TV watching — and according to my calculations, if I die at 65, I will have accomplished 18 years of eating, 45 years of complaining, and 81 years of masturbating.

Who am I kidding?  I’m only twenty-four-years-old and I’ve already accomplished 81 years of masturbating.

* * *

Actually, the real humor of that bit — aside from the fact that I just realized that I used the word “accomplished” — is that I honestly sat down like –

Josh: “Okay.  If I masturbate nine times as much as I watch television, taking for granted that I am average in my TV watching, that means……oh my God!”

I’ve never been good with sound bites.  Like, I was at a concert recently.  Everyone’s yelling –

– “Whoo!”
– “Love you!”

I’m like –

Josh: “I find your music both poppy and enjoyable!” {looks around, then} “Agh, that was verbose.”

Someone walks by everyone hates –

– “Jerk!”
– “Ass-hole!”
Josh: “You appear unfavorable in the eyes of others!” {then} “God damnit.”

Spot a sexy woman –

– “Hey baby!”
– “Sexy lady!”
Josh: “I have a sneaking suspicion your children will be more than moderately attractive!” {then} “And I would like to have them with you.” {then} “After, of course, a proper courting…period.  What the hell is wrong with me?”

I got nothing out of school.  I would take notes in class, the whole time worrying, Is this gonna be on the final?  Is this gonna be on the final?  Is this gonna be on the final?

If your mind is so fixated on one test, the minute that test is over, you forget everything.

Unfortunately, I have the same approach when it comes to relationships.  If my girlfriend and I get into any kind of argument or discussion, I know I’ll eventually get tested on what she said.  I can usually hold onto the information until exam number one, but then I forget it — and if I don’t remember during the next pop quiz, I lose points with her.

This is (one of the reasons) why I can’t have a successful relationship.  I’m always in this situation –

Josh: “You want to come meet my mom for lunch?”
Girlfriend: “You remember how I feel about your mother…”
Josh: {nervously searching for the answer} “Ummm…uh…”  {then}  “Is this open note?”

Are Americans the only people who will go to another country where no one speaks English and decide to remedy that…by speaking English…slower…and LOUDER?

I know we do this.  I was in France, and I went up to this guy –

Josh: “Excuse me, do you know where the theater is?”
French person: {sounded like} “Fo de de sui de sua jauqe croissants?”
Josh: {rolls eyes, then} “DO YOU KNOW…WHERE…THE THEATER…IS?”

It’s so stupid.  Non-Americans don’t do that.  A Korean guy won’t come up to me and say –

Korean guy: {something like} “Jae ga eodiseo miguk-eh cheogo deoreo-oon yeojadeul-eul mannal su eetnahyo?”
Josh: “Whoa whoa whoa.  Sorry dude, I don’t mean to be ignorant, but I don’t speak…Spanish?”
Korean man: {rolls eyes, then} “JAE…GA EDOIDEO…!!!”

* * *

And when the yelling method doesn’t work, Americans start playing charades.  If I’m in a foreign country and I want to get a taxi to the airport, I’ll go up to someone, like –

Josh: {whistles, pretends to drive, makes beeping sound effects, extends arms like a plane and makes “flying away” sound}

The dude’s like –

Australian guy: “You could have just asked, Mate.”